Wednesday, December 18, 2013

How to Survive Finals (Or How to Ensure You're Single Forever)

Ah, Finals. No matter how balanced and adjusted you are, there is nothing that brings out neurosis in a person more than the knowledge that 45 minutes of bubbling answers can make or break your future. If you have anything else going on in your life, say an oil change, an impending haircut, or family party, it can exponentially multiply your level of anxiety. Believe me. So, what is a sane rational person to do, you ask? I have no idea, I am neither of those things. What is a barely-holding-it-together person to do? There I can help you.

1. Buzzfeed

You glorious, wonderful website you. Not only can you be whisked away into hours of cat/Beyonce/Nicolas Cage pages, you won't even care that instead of  studying, you're wasting your time. Because there are pages on there validating doing that exact thing! You will laugh, you will cry, you'll become nostalgic, but most of all, you'll want to share with others! Which allows for coprocrastinating, the most beautiful thing on the planet.

2. Complain

There is nothing more cathartic and healing than complaining. Be it about a person, job, cat, or class. While the people who have to endure your ramblings may want to remind you of your problem's petty insignificance, they won't. Because then you'll just complain about them too. When it comes to finals, open up the floodgates! Let it loose on your significant others, your poinsettia, your roommates, and the entire facebook/twitter/instagram world! And remember, most of all, no one is going through as difficult a time as you. Or can even fathom your suffering.

3. Sleep

As much as you can. Nothing is worth sacrificing sleep over. I mean, birthdays, bar mitzvahs, anniversaries, kidney stones, NOTHING.

4. Netflix/Hulu

You've been studying a good 97 minutes. Your brain is tired. Watch some TV! The worse the acting, and more unbelievable the story line, the better! Give your noggin a good long break. Live vicariously through the drama of others. You'll feel so much more justified in feeling sorry for yourself if you believe you just got cheated on, broken up with, set-up for murder, or dissed by your frenemy shoshana.

5. Food

I cannot emphasize this one enough. Drown your fears, sorrows, and triumphs in sugary, carbohydratey perfection. This is available in both solid and liquid form. Cookies, Ice Cream, bagels, hot chocolate, smoothies, hummus, milkshakes, or straight up chocolate fountains are all at your disposal. Let all of it in, and your stress out.

Whatever you do, and no matter how tempting do not: Run away to Cuidad Juarez (you'll probably get kidnapped), Cry, Give up, or Give in to Your Panic.

Happy finals being over, and Merry Christmas.