Sunday, December 22, 2013

The 5 Most Overrated Things of All Time

 There is nothing worse than being let down. Sometimes you think you've made the right decision and that all your hopes and dreams have finally been fulfilled. Unexpectedly in a jarring explosive burst, those expectations go up in an all-consuming flame. You put so much faith, belief, and trust into something only to discover that it's just a facade, underneath which lies the smoldering ruins of a sham that never truly was. I am sorry, but I must now put you through this, and expose the greatest overrated and unnecessary things of all time.

1. ZzzQuil/Mucinex

This goes for basically any medication approved by the FDA. The generic is exactly the same thing. I cannot tell you how many times I see people buying their ridiculous, overpriced fancy brand named medication. ZzzQuil? It's Benedryl. Nothing more, nothing less. If you insist on having it in a liquid form, buy some liquid diphenhydramine. You'll save about $4. You're welcome. The same goes for Mucinex. It's just Guaifenesin. Buy that instead.

2. Hulu + 

I know the website touts the premium version as being worth the $7.99 a month charge, but this is a filthy lie. While not having to wait 6 days to watch the most recent episode of New Girl is neat, I still have to endure several 90 second commercials for eHarmony, Chanel No 5, and Kitty Litter. Except now, Hulu not only has my money, but all my demographic information which it gives the advertising firms to exploit. And they don't even exploit my information correctly! While I am a single female in my mid-ish 20's, I do not own a cat, I will never use online dating again, and I cannot even afford this stupid subscription, much less $150.00 perfume.

3. Columbus Day

I know this is officially a holiday, but it is the most ridiculous one ever created. What exactly is it celebrating? Now, I'm Spanish, so I grew up with a slightly skewed perspective on the whole "Invade a continent and instigate a massive cultural genocide" thing, but even I don't know what it's all about. So, yes, a dude got confused about the location of India and ended up smack dab on an Island in the Bahamas. He didn't actually even land on the American continent until like 6 years later. I'm all about celebrating Imperialism, but I didn't even get school off. Or candy. Or pie. Just no mail.

4. Black Friday

Of course, this doesn't even really exist anymore. It's mostly become "Black Thursday" or what I like to call "Thanksgiving". Unless you happen to find yourself in a zombie-apocalypsed deserted city, or anywhere rural enough that Wal-Mart is the town's crowning jewel, you will find yourself in a picked over store, standing in lines for hours for something that will likely be the same sale price in 3 weeks.

5. Snow

I acknowledge my sentiments towards snow might be biased because of my personal weather prejudices and inability to wedge skis and thus stop, but I submit it is one of the worst substances on earth. For one, it's cold. Secondly, it's dangerous. It directly causes car accidents, bike accidents, ski accidents, snowboarding accidents, and walking accidents. Plus, it gets in the way of windshields, trees, grass, sidewalks, and driveways. You will never have to shovel sunshine off your car or front porch!

Now that you know the truth, it's best to cope with it outright. Make your peace and find closure. You may have been wronged, but holding onto the bitterness will not be productive. Cry it out, distract yourself, and don't let it affect your happiness. Most importantly, let it go and don't look back!

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

How to Survive Finals (Or How to Ensure You're Single Forever)

Ah, Finals. No matter how balanced and adjusted you are, there is nothing that brings out neurosis in a person more than the knowledge that 45 minutes of bubbling answers can make or break your future. If you have anything else going on in your life, say an oil change, an impending haircut, or family party, it can exponentially multiply your level of anxiety. Believe me. So, what is a sane rational person to do, you ask? I have no idea, I am neither of those things. What is a barely-holding-it-together person to do? There I can help you.

1. Buzzfeed

You glorious, wonderful website you. Not only can you be whisked away into hours of cat/Beyonce/Nicolas Cage pages, you won't even care that instead of  studying, you're wasting your time. Because there are pages on there validating doing that exact thing! You will laugh, you will cry, you'll become nostalgic, but most of all, you'll want to share with others! Which allows for coprocrastinating, the most beautiful thing on the planet.

2. Complain

There is nothing more cathartic and healing than complaining. Be it about a person, job, cat, or class. While the people who have to endure your ramblings may want to remind you of your problem's petty insignificance, they won't. Because then you'll just complain about them too. When it comes to finals, open up the floodgates! Let it loose on your significant others, your poinsettia, your roommates, and the entire facebook/twitter/instagram world! And remember, most of all, no one is going through as difficult a time as you. Or can even fathom your suffering.

3. Sleep

As much as you can. Nothing is worth sacrificing sleep over. I mean, birthdays, bar mitzvahs, anniversaries, kidney stones, NOTHING.

4. Netflix/Hulu

You've been studying a good 97 minutes. Your brain is tired. Watch some TV! The worse the acting, and more unbelievable the story line, the better! Give your noggin a good long break. Live vicariously through the drama of others. You'll feel so much more justified in feeling sorry for yourself if you believe you just got cheated on, broken up with, set-up for murder, or dissed by your frenemy shoshana.

5. Food

I cannot emphasize this one enough. Drown your fears, sorrows, and triumphs in sugary, carbohydratey perfection. This is available in both solid and liquid form. Cookies, Ice Cream, bagels, hot chocolate, smoothies, hummus, milkshakes, or straight up chocolate fountains are all at your disposal. Let all of it in, and your stress out.

Whatever you do, and no matter how tempting do not: Run away to Cuidad Juarez (you'll probably get kidnapped), Cry, Give up, or Give in to Your Panic.

Happy finals being over, and Merry Christmas.