Friday, January 27, 2017

Return of the Gypsy Curse, Or Why Cuisinart is an Agent of Satan


As some of you may remember, in the town of Alcala de Henares on a cold March morning in 2007, I was literally cursed by a gypsy when I muttered in Spanish that I didn't have any cash on me (I really didn't). Since that day, a number of bizarre, yet oddly fitting curse-like things have happened to me... there's an entire blog post for reference if you're in need of a good laugh. Recently, I had erroneously believed the curse had been lifted after I had a demon thorn surgically excised from my finger. Shortly thereafter I went on the second first date with my now husband (shoutout to my wonderful spouse!). Suddenly things seemed to be going my way again. I even won a raffle for a book in class!! I actually won something! There have been a few incidents including a 2nd degree burn across 3 fingers and a rapid succession of cars dying right after I bought new windshield wipers, but I was certain it had passed.

I know now I've never been more wrong. If you regularly check my snapchat stories, you'll know what is coming.

To fully explain this story, I need to take you to December 13th, 2016. On this day it was announced that Cuisinart was initiating a voluntary recall on faulty food processor blades that could fall apart (which is slightly worrisome). Ever the dutiful spouse, my husband jumped on the website and ordered replacements. In order to do so though, he had to take the covering off to read the serial number. Soon, our replacement blades arrived, and again he was quick to switch in the brand new, insanely sharp blades. Unfortunately, this was undertaken at the height of the Christmas/Birthday season, and he couldn't find the covering. Soon after, we took a week-long trip to California, and he was contacted about a new job. The food processor was forgotten. But it did not forget about us.

On the night of January 20th, we were beginning to pack our apartment to move to Fairview. We were filling a giant blue bin with various "baking implements" around the kitchen. I noticed a great spot I could squeeze in my Christmas china. I wanted to wrap it in one of my new Christmas hand towels I had acquired in order to keep it protected in the bin. Whilst my husband was rustling through our post-Christmas piles, I casually reached toward the china to pick it up. Suddenly I felt a sharp tug on the back of my hand. I look down, and saw a huge gash with blood quickly seeping out. A number of profanities left my mouth, as I was too busy making sure my tendons still worked to remember how to ask for help in English. This is all according to my husband at least, because I was running off pure adrenaline and my memory is fuzzy at best. At first, my husband just called out to ask if I need anything. I start repeating the profanities more urgently. He finally comes running into the kitchen with a hand-towel from the Christmas pile in hand. This is essentially how the ensuing conversation went down... Husband: "What's wrong?" Me: "Profanity!!" Husband: "Oh my gosh, what should I do??" Me: "Profanity... [frantic pointing toward towel!]".

(I will include a picture of the setting, but not a picture of the large gash)

This was taken after returning home for context for family and friends I retold the story to later. Uncovered blade in the foreground, china in the background. Miscellaneous other clutter around it. 

With the towel firmly in place around my hand, we rushed over to the urgent care (my husband was sweet enough to braid my hair for me, because it was more wild than medusa's and my bloody-gash hand couldn't do anything). I was chatty and pleasant with the nurse and the doctor, and they had it cleaned out and stitched up in a jiffy. I was too concerned about getting out of there to mention that I have an insy sensitivity to latex. The warm and fuzzy nurse let me pick out the color of the bandage, and they wrapped it up with firm instructions not to remove or change the bandage for at least 3 days.

Warning, picture of stitches ahead:

Contrary to popular belief, that's my hand.. not my arm. 

That night, I could tell that the numbing shot was beginning to wear off, but I figured I should tough it out. I woke up at 3:00 am to a burning sensation in my hand. It hurt SO. BAD. It felt like it was on fire. Now, I've walked 10 miles in the snow on a torn MCL. I'm not one to usually let pain get the better of me. I went out to the couch and just sat there cradling my hand for 45 minutes. Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore. I ripped off the bandage and saw angry, red, inflamed skin all around where the bandage had been sitting. The gash had swollen and I had little welts everywhere. I woke up my husband, and we rummaged through our medicine drawer looking for latex free bandaging with no success. The snowstorm just hit as he went stumbling out the door towards our Walgreens at 4 in the morning for supplies. Needless to say, our packing got off to a rough start.

So, what are the morals of this story? First, if a scary gypsy lady asks you for money, find an ATM. Second, never move. Third, just throw away your food processors, there is no need for anything that sharp on anything that doesn't belong to a ninja. And, Fourth, always disclose a latex sensitivity.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

On Assault and the Evil Orange Monster

I thought a lot about posting this. It’s a deeply personal thing not many people know about, but in light of recent events, I hope my experiences can at least give some depth to current rhetoric. I have never been raped, but I have been sexually assaulted*. To be honest, it feels weird to write that, and I don't ever label myself as being a victim of assault, but I was assaulted. It was never by anyone I was dating (for the record, all very respectful, wonderful men) or was particularly close to, but by men (boys) who thought they had the right to do so merely because I was there and they wanted to.

I wasn’t ever in a “compromising situation”; one occurrence was at work (at BYU) another was at a (BYU) school function (NOT that it matters). I was “modestly” dressed (NOT that it matters), and did nothing to invite their attention, having no idea that the assault was about to occur. When it happened I was so stunned, I didn’t even fight back like I always thought I would. In each of these circumstances, even when reported, I was made to think I had somehow overreacted or that I should feel guilty for “making them” do something that they'd have to talk to their bishop about. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and weak. I blamed myself for letting it happen. I didn’t even realize until frighteningly recently that I was never the one at fault, and not only did I not overreact, I didn’t react nearly enough. This happens to women far too often, even at a place I loved so much like BYU. We deserve better, our daughters deserve better. We cannot continue to dismiss or turn a blind eye towards actions by a rare group of terrible men who can do so much to diminish a woman's self worth. 

There is nothing that disgusts me more than hearing people defend the low life scum of the earth that made such abhorrent comments about women. It is not excusable. It is not ok. And it causes real hurt and pain. It is comments like that- and their easy dismissal- that enable some men to see women as things and abuse them. Those men are the exception, not the rule, but they are emboldened by those words. I will not tolerate defense of that behavior. I hope that none of the women I know have experienced anything like it, but I know that if I have it is possible that there are others who similarly keep those traumas to themselves. I hope this empowers you to know you are not alone, and what happened to you was wrong. Please, in this election do not vote for someone truly deplorable who degrades women, Hispanics, Muslims, African Americans, the LGBTQI community, the disabled, or any one of God’s precious children. Do not vote for anyone who dismisses assault as “locker room talk”. 

Most of the men I have known would never say, think, or do those things. I am lucky to be married to the living embodiment of kindness, gentleness, and respect. Do not let that disgusting man or his attitudes into our lives anymore. I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me, or to view me as a victim. I don't. I had some great college experiences and met a lot of really good people. What happened to me could have happened to anyone. We need to change the narrative towards women now.

(*Both of these events occurred several years ago. Clearly they do not define who I am or how I see myself. They did not leave me with any physical damage or marks, but they were violations. At the time, I didn't see myself as spiritually or morally culpable for any sort of  'chastity' issue, and tried to forget about it happening.)

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Chalice of Destiny, Or My 2014 Bucket List.

Friends, when you get engaged, things get weird. I was driving to school the other morning, and that horrifically cheesy song Marry Me  came on the radio. Not only did I not change the station, but I found myself unwillingly enjoying Patrick Monahan's crooning. It was scary.

That being said, I am finding myself alternating from floating around in a love-bubble, to avoiding wedding planning of any kind, to sneaking onto Pinterest during my cognition class, to remembering that I'm a grad student taking over 17 credits in a professional program this semester. It's a crazy time.

To begin, it turns out that as school gets more difficult, the less I can write. I would like to follow-up on The Great 2014 bucket list.  Let's just day I got 3/5 done. Which is a 60 percent, and would still be passing if I were in an undergrad program.

As a general rule, I try to avoid any sort of direct reference to my dating relationships. I feel like those relationships were private and that it would be crazy/disrespectful to discuss them overtly in any public forum... But baby-girl is engaged now.

I mostly want to talk about the last item on my bucket list, #5. Which, to be completely fair did not come true. I didn't find Mr. Right. He was there all along. #IKnowICanBarelyStandMyselfRightNow

Ok kids, let me take you on a journey of love.

The year was 2011. I was limping around because of a knee injury and struggling to put in my contacts. The ward (congregation, if you will) of young single adults I was in was beginning this thing called "The Chalice of Destiny". This was a desperate attempt to get us to all start dating each other. This Harry Potter-like goblet of fire was intended to set up dates with people whose names have been entered in. I put in my name to go with one guy. My friends put in my name to be with the one guy. And I was actually starting to date the one guy. But, weirdly enough, I was instead setup with this other person, the Now-Fiance. At the time I was highly suspicious, because Now-Fiance's roommate was in charge of the setting up. I knew. We went on our Chalice of Destiny date and had a blast.

Unfortunately, because of various reasons (we can just say that because of other guy) the timing was... off.

Now-Fiance went his way, I went mine, but we stayed friendly. Especially when it came to wishing each other happy birthday on Facebook. Because of school and such, we were in different states for 2 years up until August of this last year.

Fast-forward to this last September. One day I receive a Facebook message (yes, a Facebook message) asking me out to a football game. The rest is history.

Except for the engagement story. I have to tell you the engagement story. To start it off, I've never wanted a proposal surprise-attack (meaning I've never wanted someone to ask me without discussing it first. It happens.). To ensure this, I made a list of very specific places I could be proposed to. Mostly these are places from Northern California, which is over 800 miles from my current location. This was about 78% a joke, and as Now-Fiance and I became more serious I amended that list to be more reasonable. But, Now-Fiance wanted to make sure my conditions were completely met. So, he bought a secret flight out to Northern California to make sure we hit every place on my list. Ending it all on a proposal on a misty beach where we were alone with the waves crashing in. It was unreal. To end the night, I got to celebrate my engagement with my parents. Pretty much anything and everything I'd always wanted.

I have been amazed at how things worked out better than I could have ever imagined. And I had no idea that such a perfect person was there all along.

Me with a seconds after being proposed to beach crying face


Monday, August 18, 2014


When I was 22, I can still remember coming out of wrist surgery and looking over at a clock in the recovery room, realizing with a sense of dread how late it was. It had turned out to be the worst scenario that the doctor had warned me was a possibility. Still, in the haze that follows being under general anesthesia for hours and being on the strongest pain medications available, my first fully-formed thought accompanied by a burst of tears was "how can I ever take engagement pictures with this horrible scar on my left hand?". It was very rational.

I, like every person who has ever walked outdoors, have plenty of scars. There's my wrist surgery "stigmata" as my brother so lovingly calls it (It's a long line from the open surgery, then several ports from the scope, which make it look like a cross). Among others, there's the coral gash scar on my leg from when I was snorkeling in Hawaii at age 7. The scar on my elbow from rollerblading when I was 9. My knee surgery scar. The line on my forehead which looks like a weird part line that I got after falling off the table that I was dancing on when I was 2. And, the 2cm long fingernail-shaped scar on my right hand from a fight with my sister when I was 10. Typically, when we trip on the steps of the Jefferson Memorial, slide into 2nd base wrong, or kick a soccer ball into our face, the marks will only last a few weeks or months. But occasionally, they stay with you forever.

My newest acquisition came from an ethereal night in Virginia, where I found myself surrounded by dark mysterious woods, a thick rising mist, and more lightning bugs than I had ever seen in my in life. It was magic. I found a perfect hiding spot during a game in a large, seemingly flawless shrub. I could still tell you its exact location. After jumping into this bush for cover, I quickly discovered its hidden barbs. In total, I got 4 thorns in my hand that night. I half-heartedly tried to get them out, then abandoned my attempts, figuring I would take care of them later. An important part of this story is mentioning that it was Friday the 13th. Two months later, I have a large incision following the length of my knuckle and 6 sutures closing up the surgery required to remove one of the thorns which had taken residence on my tendon.

So seemingly beautiful.

To be honest, I haven't always been in the happiest of moods concerning this sequence of events. Sometimes, I find it hilarious and will laugh out loud thinking about it. Other times I feel frustrated and get overwhelmed with the injustice of it all. Yeah, I'll always have a mark now on my finger. Currently, with the sutures still in, and the discomfort of it being over a joint, it's hard not to notice. Over time, it won't hurt, but will become only a reminder of my thorny mistake. Some scars are worth it, and accompany amazing experiences and events. Sometimes, it can just seem arbitrary and unmerited. The key is to make peace with it. If I walked around the rest of my life angry at the thorn bush, it wouldn't get me anywhere. It's a thorn bush. It always has been, it always will be. I maybe didn't see that at first, but that doesn't change what it is. Hanging onto feelings of righteous indignation won't make the scar go away, it won't take away my discomfort, and it certainly won't stop the thorn bush from snagging other unsuspecting game participants. All I can do is wish that shrub the best of luck with its barbed existence and never play outside again. Or wear gloves at all times. 

Monday, July 21, 2014

On Arby's and Regret.

Friends, regret is one of the strongest emotions we can experience. I have been meaning to relate this experience for several weeks, but haven't gotten around to it. Before you judge me, understand my position. I was in the midst of studying for finals when suddenly my stomach started growling. With a ravenous fury, I knew I needed food, and I needed it now. I dashed downstairs and all I had in my cupboard were the remnants of the clearance Easter candy from Walgreens. Which I did eat. However, I still needed more. I suddenly craved curly fries with a vengeance and could only think of one place from whence to get some. Arby's.

So, I hopped in my car and sped off in search of that ridiculous Pharrell-hat restaurant. I pulled into the drive thru, and there was a picture of an Arby's roast melt staring tantalizingly at me. That temptress somehow put in me in a hunger-trance and I found myself ordering not one, but two. Once I pulled away from the pick-up window, I instantly wondered what I had done. I knew I had made a mistake, but it was too late. I had to follow through. That Bathsheba of a sandwich called to me from the bag, and I found myself eating it while still on the road home. Half a sandwich in, I knew this would only end in pain. But, I continued. Once it began, I couldn't pull away. I knew the sandwich was going to hurt me, but it was just too appealing.

Like being a fan of the Kings, you know beforehand that Arby's will end with disappointment and crushed dreams. Yet, somehow this restaurant is still in business, and the drive thru queue extended several cars. It is the line of shame, where we all know what we're getting ourselves into and no one can really look each other in the eye. Before you start defending it for its shakes or salads (really. you're going to Arby's for a salad?), think about your last horrible Arby's experience. We all have one.

Sometimes we do stupid things. We find ourselves in clearly a harmful situation. How did we get here? Haven't we learned from the past?? Stay away from Arby's. Or more specifically, Arby melts. Learn from my fallacies and choose wiser. Sometimes the most immediate or attractive option is not the best one. Would I have been much happier going somewhere with fresh food, or making something myself? Yes. Never trust an Arby's sandwich; its seemingly charming and humble exterior is custom-built to snag you and leave you in misery. You are better than that!

Never settle for a nasty Arby's sandwich again, no matter how strong its siren call may be. The same goes for Taco Time.You deserve quality and dependability.

Monday, June 2, 2014

On Karl Marx, Insomnia, and Poinsettias

Let me tell you friends. The best and worst thing about Sundays are the naps. They are so gloriously wonderful in the moment, but you later find yourself awake at midnight wondering why you chose instant gratification. In an entirely unrelated subject, I've been pondering lately on one of my early Sociological friends, Karl Marx.

Now, Herr Marx has been known to get a bad rap, but there are many rudimentary aspects of his theory we can all agree with. Essentially, from my memory of foundational Sociological theory, Marx championed an idea of the importance of "Praxis", which in a watered down explanation is the idea of planning and creation. He posited that individuals working in factories will begin to feel alienated from the human condition when they lose the ability to plan and create products themselves. I am probably leaving out huge chunks of information and theory, but that is the aspect that has lingered with me. With occupational therapy, we use occupation (meaning activity or functions) as therapy and in order to help sustain and create meaningful activities for those who have lost the ability to or would like to gain it in the first place. In other words, we help people become active participants in their daily lives. In my creative occupations class, we learned all sorts of new activities and analyzed the motor, emotional, social, and sensory aspects of them. One of the new tasks I learned is knitting.

I'm the one in the back left, looking lost, scared, and confused.
You must understand. I am not a "crafter". Despite what my mother insists, I have never been of the artistic persuasion. I was always the little girl in the corner staring blankly at the project waiting for someone to come over and do it for me. I am also intrigued by challenges, however and will stick with it until I have mastered it or I die.

Weird trapezoid-shaped beginnings
I took this approach with knitting. Within several hours while in class, passing any disasters up to my friend in the row in front of me to fix, I finally got it down. I took it home, and my knitting project somehow turned into a hot mess again. I endured however, and 4 days later, it's still blobby, but undeniably a knitted object.
My blobby knitted success
It feels so ridiculously good to successfully make something.To know that the world is now one blobby piece of knitted fabric stronger because of me. But for serious, the amount of pride and accomplishment I feel is immeasurable. I used to feel this immense sense of gratification when I would spend my days planting flowers and bulbs working on grounds, only to see them blossom months later. I harnessed a similar emotion in having plants in my house which grow larger and stay alive with my (and my roommate's, let's be honest) efforts. Especially my beloved poinsettia.

I can only imagine what it feels like as a parent to know you have created a human being. A whole world of potential is now here because of you. But, even if you're not of a current child-creating situation there is so much you can bring into the world. If you aren't crafty or artsy like me, you can still create. Go out and plant something. If you're musical, compose a song, record an album. If you're good with words, get out and write. Heaven knows we need better authors out there (cough *Stephanie Meyers* cough). Doggone it, put together a puzzle, paint a poinsettia, water color the moon. Change the world. #Marxwouldbeproud

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

On Failure, Resilience, and Ulysses S. Grant.

Did you know that in Death Valley, there are plants that spend the majority of their life dormant under the ground? When just enough rain falls for germination, they sprout and bloom beautiful flowers. They then return to their previous state awaiting a moment to shine again, often sustaining life for dozens of years in the most uninhabitable parts of the world. This gloriously metaphoric intro, brought to you by a documentary on the National Geographic channel, leads into what I think might have been one of the greatest comebacks of all time brought to you by a documentary on PBS:

Ulysses S. Grant. AKA the 18th president of the United States. AKA the brilliant military leader who helped turn the tide of the civil war. AKA a drunkard who got kicked out of the army who then tried and failed to start a business. Yes, before the rowdy south up and fired cannons on Fort Sumter, ol' Ulysses was just a washed up failure in his late 30s with nothing to show for his life. Having lost half of their military officers to the Confederacy, the Union was in great need of leaders. So, when Grant rejoined the army in 1861, (to be fair, he had graduated from West Point) he was promoted to general, leader of the union military forces, and was elected president twice. In doing so, he carved out a spot in history that often glides over his stint as the intoxicated loser up at Fort Humboldt.

Who doesn't like the story of an underdog? There's something so entirely inspiring in the story of someone who not only comes up from the bottom, but does so after failing so thoroughly. It gives the rest of us hope; that the Hostess®es of the world can rise again. If we don't succeed in a class, job, project, or other attempt, it never means we should give up. I'm at home, sitting next to Arthur, the dog my brother and I rescued from an animal shelter in Spanish Fork where he was less than a week away from being euthanized. Now our pampered puppy princess spends his days in the California sunshine chasing squirrels or on my bed with a feather mattress surrounded by his toys. Things can and will get better.
Pampered Puppy Princess

I personally like to believe there's no such thing as a failure, there's only setbacks and new opportunities. With a work injury my early 20s, I had to give up my grad school acceptance in one field and find a whole new career. I was told the rest of my life I'd have an impairment that would only get worse and cause chronic pain. But so far, life just continues like it normally does and my future seems bright and hopeful. So, things haven't worked out how I thought they would, but they have the way they needed to. With challenges comes resilience, and with resilience we are able to weather the storms of life. The more difficulties we overcome, the greater people and greater leaders we become. Friends, if something hasn't worked out how you'd hoped or how you'd planned, don't give up. Maybe you need to be patient. Maybe you need to try harder. Or maybe there's something else all together out there for you. I promise, one way or another, things will always work out.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

On OW, Love, and Kindness. Or thoughts after a 14 hour day at work and in Grad School on a lingering Socio-Religious-Political issue.

Now, I rarely if ever post blogs about serious topics, much less religious/political ones, so please bear with me. Additionally, there are about a bajillion and one blog posts, Facebook posts, Google+ posts (for all 13 people using it), and the Tweets about this topic. But, it's been bothering me all day, so I'm going to throw my voice into the fray. I am not going to argue the merits or doctrinal basis of either side. I do not agree with many of the posits of OW (Ordain Women), and I do not particularly like the methods currently being employed by that group. However, I am shocked and saddened by the responses I have seen from other LDS church members towards them.

We were reminded over and over during conference that we are Christ's church, and are supposed to show his love and kindness. We take his name upon ourselves. That is to be taken literally. Christ never mocked, belittled, or treated others with scorn. These are our brothers and sisters. We are to show love and try to understand their feelings and experiences. It does not matter if we are referring to a small percentage of the population. I think I remember some story about sheep and Christ going out of his way to find a single one out of a hundred who felt unheard or abandoned. If you think you are following a single doctrinal point better than another person, great, but you are not better than them. We all make mistakes, follow the wrong path, and accidentally cause harm towards others. But, we are all equal in the sight of God. He loves all of us, regardless of the choices we make. We are happier when we choose to follow him and draw closer to him, and we will never find contentment in degrading others.

Basically, stop making fun of people's dearly held beliefs, especially if you do not agree with them. Be respectful and be loving. I apologize if I sound preachy, I don't mean to. Also, I'm super tired and not articulate, so forgive me. Beth out.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Ninth Reason the World is Ending- The Invent of the Prius

I am definitely not writing this because I ran out of things to do in order to put off studying for neuoanatomy. I would never do that. I would never lie about not doing that. I would also never lie about lying. Friends, random Kazakhstani's, it is about time I tell you of something I have loathed for years. The Prius.

Now, let me preface this. I love the environment. I recycle. I used to take big bags of used plastic bottles home on school breaks in order to recycle. I think we should all be responsible about our use and exhaustion of natural resources. I even really like Al Gore.

But, Priuses are the absolute, undeniable worst! Now, I'm not talking about the first generation Priui. Those are just fine. It's the pretentious hatchbacks that just make my blood boil. I have disliked them on the road for years, and 3 times out of 4, it is a Prius cutting me off on the highway. (The other 1 time is usually a completely unnecessarily over-sized truck.) You see them tootling along the road, never quite at the speed limit and fueled by pure evil, with self-righteous, mocking undertones.

Those judgy headlights, those patronizing bumpers, and the ostentatious little antenna. Every single little detail of those cars fills me with fury.

I'm not even referring to your typical hybrid or even electric car. The leaf is quaint. The SmartCar is just a little hilarious joke of a car. If I could ever afford to, I'd buy myself a little hybrid Escape. It is the Prius, and the Prius alone that inspires so much passionate, vitriolic hatred inside of me. If you don't believe me about how horrible those little monsters are, pay attention the next time you're on the freeway. You'll know what I mean.

Now that I've churned up all of your internal outrage, let's take things down with an adorable picture of a baby otter:

Sunday, January 19, 2014

2.6 Miles of Wisdom

Friends, as I was walking the 2.6 miles home from the Firestone shop the other day (this was before they left a hammer in my wheel well), I thought of some of the wisdom I've gleaned during my existence on this earth. For each .1 mile, I thought of 1 little nugget of knowledge. Some of these are a result of mistakes, some have been learned the hard way, and others through repeated observation. I hope this can help anyone in any small way. Which is why I choose to share it with you today (instead of doing the homework I've put off for 4 days).

1. Floss regularly.

2. Yes, you will regret staying up until 3 am.

3. If you think you should shower, you need to shower.

4. There is literally always something more entertaining to do instead of homework; filing taxes, watching paint dry, passing a kidney stone.

5. Don't ever say "this is the worst it could get!". It will get worse.

6. Salt makes you puffy.

7. It is extremely hazardous to try to go to the bathroom on the side of the road when there are high winds.

8. Costa Rican hot springs are riddled with parasites. Don't drink the water.

9. Otters are literally the most adorable creatures on the planet. Sorry babies, puppies, and kittens.

10. If someone says their dreams are more important than you, that's a red flag.

11. Don't ignore red flags.

12. Heavy painkillers, while occasionally necessary, can make you a crazy-person. Don't do drugs.

13. Let people merge if you're driving on the 15.

14. Always have some hand hotties within reach. You never know when temperatures will become unexpectedly freezing. Having regular hotties within reach isn't a bad thing either.

15. The worse something tastes, the better it is for you.

16. Forgiveness is more for your own sake than the other person's.

17. While occasionally irresponsible, well spaced fun trips are necessary for your mental sanity.

18. The sun is the most glorious thing. While snow and clouds are the most vile.

19. 95% of the time, school assignments will seem worthless. It's for the incredibly valuable 5% that you keep trying.

20. Ignoring a person is the cruelest thing to do.

21. Always be flexible, your life can change drastically in a few seconds.

22. Some iPhone updates will actually make your life harder.

23. Don't base your happiness on another person's choices. Especially if that person is a sports team.

24. You will never regret being kind.

25. You will always regret eating food too spicy for you to handle in order to make a point.

26. There are always people who are having a worse day than you.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Tying Up Loose Ends (The Great 2013 Bucket List Reflection)

My dear former roommate and all around lady-idol Kellie asked me to reflect on the previous year and my bucket list. Now, I am not one to pass up an opportunity to procrastinate (and class tomorrow doesn't start until noon, Holla!). Also, looking at the insanity that is to await me these coming weeks in terms of school and work, I probably won't have any time to sleep, much less write a blog post, (which according to those schnazzy google statistics would be most likely to be enjoyed by readers in Latvia).

Also, I am highly manipulated by flattery, so here it is:


Let's take a look at those goals of mine.

#1 Eat Real Food
While Taco Bell is technically "real food", that is definitely not what I was referring to. Be it a lack of time, energy, or really desire I just never got to making much. I did stress bake a few times, but that doesn't really count. Yes, I know, I'll try to be better. Cancer, diabetes, I know.

#2 No More Casts, Braces, Crutches etc. 
Yeah, fail. Which my current roommate once inferred might be correlated with the first goal's failure. But I take daily Flintstones vitamins, so that can't possibly be it. Personally, I continue to blame the gypsy curse.

#3 No More Beyonce Nights
This is one of those titles which obnoxiously only has meaning to a small group of people. I apologize. Suffice it to say that history did not repeat itself in such a way.

#4 See The Grand Canyon
Donzies! And I have never felt more fulfilled! I can't tell you how immensely joyed I am that I didn't end up like that sad old blind lady from Paulie. If you haven't seen this movie, you need to. It shaped me into a sad little girl who was afraid of blindness and death. I consider that a clear win!

Photo Cred: Kelsi, who would probably like to be acknowledged
#5 Tube Down The Provo River
Accomplished with my ward this summer along with my sister and Traci. There was blood, there were tears, and there were also delicious Navajo tacos at the end.

#6 Get Into Grad School
Miracle of all miracles, I am in school! And now school owns my soul.

#7 Cancel This Damn Gym Membership
Clearly patience won out. This was also my first goal accomplished in 2013, just an hour and 15 minutes later.

Thank you for reading thus far into all my self-indulgence. Make some goals for yourself. And we'll laugh about not getting them done in 2015!!

Saturday, January 4, 2014

My Last Blog Post Before School Starts Again (Or how to not feel sorry for yourself)

I recently stumbled upon my friend Ashley's blog, and found this amazing post right here: She is one of those incredible people who always has a kind or encouraging word, especially when you're not feeling so great. Like everyone else on this planet, I can feel worthless, directionless, or unimportant. Especially if I have failed at something, gone through a breakup, made a mistake, or received a parking ticket. What I liked so much about this post of hers is that it implies something proactive. Yes, we are all unique and beautiful. But we can be so much more, and that is through the impact we make on the world.

Her post posits the central question of "what would the world be like if you weren't here?". I can definitively say in the case of everyone I know, a much darker place. So, you spent the day in your snuggie onsie watching episodes of Vampire Diaries on netflix? You can go out there right now and change the world. Most of us will never be famous beyond our own little group of friends. So what? Think back on those you love the most, who have made the most impact on your life. Are their names Kim Kardashian or Kanye West? Probably not.

I've had friends ask me before why I am becoming an Occupational Therapist. Apart from the more selfish things like financial security and benefits typically associated with that career, I have always wanted to do something to genuinely improve the lives of others. Because sitting around in my snuggie onsie watching hours of netflix only feels great for about 2 hours. But that is an almost easy way out for me. It doesn't really matter what our career is. You can make a difference as a bagger at Wal Mart. You can genuinely improve the lives of others by being a good mother or a father.

At the risk of pontificating, I just want to say that we can choose to leave a positive mark at any point. It doesn't matter if you have never done a kind thing in your life or slaughtered a village of people (please, please don't do that); any living person can make the choice to make a difference in a good way at any time. What's a more hopeful thing than that?

I promise that whatever your life may be like, it is worth so much. The most incredible people I've ever known are those who lose themselves in the service of others. I am far too selfish and lazy to ever reach their standard, but I can say that the times I have felt best were the times I was helping someone. Kindness goes a long way. No matter how low you're feeling, no matter how you may have been wronged, you will always feel best when you are considerate and compassionate. Unless you are a sociopath. But, then that's not really your fault is it?

Treat others with love and over time you will love them and yourself. It's just that simple. Don't let people take advantage of you (because sometimes they will), but don't ever let yourself hate either. As we start this new year and new semester (for some of us), we can choose to be our best selves. And if we fall short, just try again.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Bucket List 2014

On New Year's Eve, I found myself in the backseat of the minivan with the rest of my family driving to the Bass Pro shop in Manteca to return a few camouflaged shirts gifted to us in the wrong size. As we were trapped for a good hour, my dad took this as an opportunity to have everyone list where they'd want their lives to be in one year. I wasn't in the best mood, so I begrudgingly thought of a couple snarky things like to "not get fired, and not fail out of school". Being the middle child, naturally we got to me last. I said my piece but my dad wasn't satisfied, unfortunately, he knows me too well. There were a few more items on my list.

Exactly one year ago I made a bucket list of things I wanted to do before the year was out. I accomplished many of those things, and made many improvements. What I found most fascinating was that almost everything from that list I actually accomplished was due to the actions and support of others. Yes, there were many difficult and sad things this last year, but I am on the right track. None of that time was a waste and I have no regrets.

So, here two days later (you're welcome dad) is my real list of goals for this next year.

1. Not Get Fired or Fail Out of School

This actually wasn't just my grumpy sarcasm. I really need to get these things accomplished. 

2. Go Scuba Diving

I've been Scuba certified since I was 12 years old. When I was younger I went on dives in all sorts of amazing places like Molokai, Maui, Kauai, Hawaii, the Bahamas, Cozumel, Playa Del Carmen, and Cancun. I haven't been since 2006. I don't need to be whisked off to some exotic location. I could even go in Utah. I just need to take the time, effort, and money and just do it. I love the water, and I love diving. It has been far, far too long.

3. See Jimmer Play for the Kings

I love Jimmer and I have loved the Sacramento Kings from birth. I slept in tents over night and waited for hours in the snow for tickets to wait for hours in the cold to see Jimmer play at BYU. But I have never seen Jimmer play for the Kings in person. I know the Kings are terrible and Jimmer never gets to play, but I have to see this happen before he's traded.

4. Read Through the Entire Book of Mormon in Spanish

I've done it in English, and once got as far as Alma 46 in Spanish. I tried listening to the audio version, but the guy that reads it has such a soothing dulcet voice that I'm always lulled into a deep slumber within minutes. If you don't know what this Book of Mormon thing is that I'm talking about, here ya go.

5. Find Mr. Right

2014, Baby!

Sunday, December 22, 2013

The 5 Most Overrated Things of All Time

 There is nothing worse than being let down. Sometimes you think you've made the right decision and that all your hopes and dreams have finally been fulfilled. Unexpectedly in a jarring explosive burst, those expectations go up in an all-consuming flame. You put so much faith, belief, and trust into something only to discover that it's just a facade, underneath which lies the smoldering ruins of a sham that never truly was. I am sorry, but I must now put you through this, and expose the greatest overrated and unnecessary things of all time.

1. ZzzQuil/Mucinex

This goes for basically any medication approved by the FDA. The generic is exactly the same thing. I cannot tell you how many times I see people buying their ridiculous, overpriced fancy brand named medication. ZzzQuil? It's Benedryl. Nothing more, nothing less. If you insist on having it in a liquid form, buy some liquid diphenhydramine. You'll save about $4. You're welcome. The same goes for Mucinex. It's just Guaifenesin. Buy that instead.

2. Hulu + 

I know the website touts the premium version as being worth the $7.99 a month charge, but this is a filthy lie. While not having to wait 6 days to watch the most recent episode of New Girl is neat, I still have to endure several 90 second commercials for eHarmony, Chanel No 5, and Kitty Litter. Except now, Hulu not only has my money, but all my demographic information which it gives the advertising firms to exploit. And they don't even exploit my information correctly! While I am a single female in my mid-ish 20's, I do not own a cat, I will never use online dating again, and I cannot even afford this stupid subscription, much less $150.00 perfume.

3. Columbus Day

I know this is officially a holiday, but it is the most ridiculous one ever created. What exactly is it celebrating? Now, I'm Spanish, so I grew up with a slightly skewed perspective on the whole "Invade a continent and instigate a massive cultural genocide" thing, but even I don't know what it's all about. So, yes, a dude got confused about the location of India and ended up smack dab on an Island in the Bahamas. He didn't actually even land on the American continent until like 6 years later. I'm all about celebrating Imperialism, but I didn't even get school off. Or candy. Or pie. Just no mail.

4. Black Friday

Of course, this doesn't even really exist anymore. It's mostly become "Black Thursday" or what I like to call "Thanksgiving". Unless you happen to find yourself in a zombie-apocalypsed deserted city, or anywhere rural enough that Wal-Mart is the town's crowning jewel, you will find yourself in a picked over store, standing in lines for hours for something that will likely be the same sale price in 3 weeks.

5. Snow

I acknowledge my sentiments towards snow might be biased because of my personal weather prejudices and inability to wedge skis and thus stop, but I submit it is one of the worst substances on earth. For one, it's cold. Secondly, it's dangerous. It directly causes car accidents, bike accidents, ski accidents, snowboarding accidents, and walking accidents. Plus, it gets in the way of windshields, trees, grass, sidewalks, and driveways. You will never have to shovel sunshine off your car or front porch!

Now that you know the truth, it's best to cope with it outright. Make your peace and find closure. You may have been wronged, but holding onto the bitterness will not be productive. Cry it out, distract yourself, and don't let it affect your happiness. Most importantly, let it go and don't look back!

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

How to Survive Finals (Or How to Ensure You're Single Forever)

Ah, Finals. No matter how balanced and adjusted you are, there is nothing that brings out neurosis in a person more than the knowledge that 45 minutes of bubbling answers can make or break your future. If you have anything else going on in your life, say an oil change, an impending haircut, or family party, it can exponentially multiply your level of anxiety. Believe me. So, what is a sane rational person to do, you ask? I have no idea, I am neither of those things. What is a barely-holding-it-together person to do? There I can help you.

1. Buzzfeed

You glorious, wonderful website you. Not only can you be whisked away into hours of cat/Beyonce/Nicolas Cage pages, you won't even care that instead of  studying, you're wasting your time. Because there are pages on there validating doing that exact thing! You will laugh, you will cry, you'll become nostalgic, but most of all, you'll want to share with others! Which allows for coprocrastinating, the most beautiful thing on the planet.

2. Complain

There is nothing more cathartic and healing than complaining. Be it about a person, job, cat, or class. While the people who have to endure your ramblings may want to remind you of your problem's petty insignificance, they won't. Because then you'll just complain about them too. When it comes to finals, open up the floodgates! Let it loose on your significant others, your poinsettia, your roommates, and the entire facebook/twitter/instagram world! And remember, most of all, no one is going through as difficult a time as you. Or can even fathom your suffering.

3. Sleep

As much as you can. Nothing is worth sacrificing sleep over. I mean, birthdays, bar mitzvahs, anniversaries, kidney stones, NOTHING.

4. Netflix/Hulu

You've been studying a good 97 minutes. Your brain is tired. Watch some TV! The worse the acting, and more unbelievable the story line, the better! Give your noggin a good long break. Live vicariously through the drama of others. You'll feel so much more justified in feeling sorry for yourself if you believe you just got cheated on, broken up with, set-up for murder, or dissed by your frenemy shoshana.

5. Food

I cannot emphasize this one enough. Drown your fears, sorrows, and triumphs in sugary, carbohydratey perfection. This is available in both solid and liquid form. Cookies, Ice Cream, bagels, hot chocolate, smoothies, hummus, milkshakes, or straight up chocolate fountains are all at your disposal. Let all of it in, and your stress out.

Whatever you do, and no matter how tempting do not: Run away to Cuidad Juarez (you'll probably get kidnapped), Cry, Give up, or Give in to Your Panic.

Happy finals being over, and Merry Christmas.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Wake Me Up When September Ends Part 2

Septembers are a month of growth and learning. I reflected last year on knowledge I attained throughout the last month of Summer/ first month of fall, and this year I did the same.

1. Grad School is Hard.

Let me preface this with saying I am so glad I have to opportunity to be in school right now. However, I must note, at the going rate, I will end up as a crazy-person living in a van by the river by the end of the 3 years. With only cat puppets as my friends.

2. Pumpkin is as addicting as crack cocaine

To be fair, I've never had crack cocaine before, but I hardly believe that anyone could want anything as much as I want pumpkin right now. I need it. I will have it. Fortunately, nearly every product imaginable is currently available in pumpkin flavor. In fact, I really wouldn't be surprised if pumpkin flavored crack cocaine existed. And that would likely be the most addictive substance on the planet. At least pumpkin-crack-cocaine wouldn't make me gain as much weight as I'm bound to from my daily hits of pumpkin pastries and drinks.

3. We Are More Resilient Than We Think We Are

Whether it's a constant onslaught of cold-kidney stone-cold, hours of working at a job that sucks the life and happiness out of you (much like a dementor), a midterm that makes the Hunger Games look like musical chairs, random family health crises, or other random etc seemingly straight out of a soap opera, you can make it! I'm not necessarily claiming that any of these things have ever happened to me, but if they had, I could tell you it's surprisingly livable. All of this with Pretty Little Liars being on hiatus until January. That's pretty good, my friends.

4. You Can't Depend On a BYU Quarterback

You think you've finally found "the one". In the past, you've gotten your hopes up, only to be let down again. You promise yourself never again. After a series of fumbles and foul-ups, you have standards now. Then a new quarterback comes into your life (and onto the field) and dazzles you. Just when you think you can finally commit and have the season you've always dreamed of, you're disappointed again. All BYU needs is a kitty-quarterback, that would fall short of no one's expectations.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Life Lessons From the Movie Volcano

I have no doubt I should be studying right now. Given the massive midterm I have in 6 days, 17 hours, and 36 minutes that has the potential to alter my future, I'm clearly spending my time well. That being said, any who claim to know me should know that I have a great love for 90's national/natural disaster movies. Recently I had the opportunity to watch Volcano, my favorite movie ever made about a pyroclastic eruption in the middle of LA. Among the other catastrophes my young eyes witnessed on my television screen as I was raised (including, but not limited to alien invaders, massive asteroids, more volcanoes, twisters, more asteroids, and dinosaurs in San Diego), Volcano shaped me into the paranoid, anxious person I am today. Viewing it again, here are some important things that can be applied to our everyday lives.

1. It is never "just an eathquake"

To borrow a phrase from the best series ever written, constant vigilance! Don't let your guard down friends. Especially when you've been warned. I made the mistake of watching "Final Destination" as a young one. Sometimes death (or misfortune) is just out to get you. That near miss is a clear message that you should stay away from any and all fast moving or sharp objects. Also, taking vacation is a terrible idea. Don't even think about it. The entire city will probably start to burn down just as you start to walk out of the office. Or 7 city workers will become vaporized while everyone seems weirdly ok with it. There's always something nefarious lurking under the surface. Possibly a giant volcano that not a single geologist or scientist seems able to identify or predict until it erupts. In the middle of one of the highest populated urban areas in the country.

2. Racism is bad. Teamwork however is not. 

Mr. African American gentleman is rightly frustrated with the dismissive and bigoted LAPD officer with whom he has the misfortune to run into again just as his street is burning up and lava is streaming down Wilshire Blvd. Good thing they decide to unhandcuff him just in time for him to singlehandedly save the city. At least until the lava shifts direction and heads straight for the hospital where the entire city's 4 million person population is being treated (see above lesson, you're never safe) . If ever you feel you are being subjected to unfair or prejudiced treatment, find a way to heroically intervene. Then and only then will you receive the reasonable help you've been seeking. Also, as precocious and idiotic child who ran into a garage rigged with explosives notes "they all look the same" covered in ash. Except they don't.

3. Love can be unexpected. And terribly timed.

So, maybe Anne Heche's best friend (and lady love?!) was vaporized mere hours before, and she is likely in a state of severe psychological shock and trauma. But, Tommy Lee's eyes are just so dreamy! And did you see the way he took charge there and spent the majority of the 99 minute movie shouting at people? MMmmmmm. Similarly in life, you will usually find love at the most inopportune times with some very incompatible people. Don't fear. Live in the moment, especially while the rest of the world is collapsing around you in a toxic cloud of ash, smoke, and magma. You probably won't last much longer anyways. YOLO!

4. Teenagers are Helpless. And idiotic. 

Never, I mean, NEVER leave your child with one. Especially if there's a river of hot magma heading their way. And they're in a blast zone of buildings seconds away from being blown up. Unless Tommy Lee is nearby. He'll pull them out of the rubble without a scratch. Oh, that Tommy Lee....

5. Always listen to the person yelling loudest and longest.

That entire scene where the nicotine-addicted Metro guy melts could've been avoided if he just listened to Tommy Lee. I mean, 7 dudes just got vaporized the day before within feet of the subway line. I mean, really? You don't think that's a little weird? Although, that scene where he slowly descends into the red hot magma and literally melts before our eyes was nearly as traumatic as that scene in Who Framed Roger Rabbit when Judge doom is flattened, eyes pops out, then slowly and terrifyingly disintegrates. It's good for you to watch as a child. It builds character, and neurosis. For heaven's sake, if someone is angrily shouting at you to close the red line, CLOSE THE RED LINE!

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Eighth Reason The World is Ending AKA Rest in Peace Arden Burger King

Thanks to google maps, the very Burger King to which I refer. 

In Remembrance:

Friends, we all have those days. The ones where your childhood illusions come crashing down into a pitfall of disappointment. When you realize Santa is really your parents, only .0000000000001% of the population can go to space, and that the ninja turtles are actually kind of lame (really, they just sit around all day with some old rat in the sewers eating pizza. really?)

Yes, today I have learned that the Burger King of my youth, formerly home to Sacramento's, nay the world's coolest play set has closed its grease smeared doors for the last time. This paragon of the rapid dining experience was the go-to establishment for the last minute snack-attack. After practice, before practice, or at two in the morning, you could get your Hershey's sundae pie, your bacon bbq burger, your Whopper. No, the fries weren't nearly as good as McDonalds', but dang, that was like a 7 minute drive away. I mean we could walk to Burger King (but let's be honest, we'd usually drive). In the summer, there was a choice between a cherry or Coca-Cola Icee, and you could pick whichever fountain drink flavor you wanted (or all of them at once). Yes, you suspected gang activity in the parking lot, and there was always that sketchy upholstery shop next door, which you know is fronting for something (there is no way that many people need their furniture upholstered). But, that just gave the place character. A character that is now lost to the world forever. I will snap a picture with my phone of your sad empty facade once I have a chance (I'll probably forget). RIP Burger King and my childhood.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Poinsettias, Debt, and Optimism

As I spent the entirety of the previous day budgeting out the next 25 years of my life (it's sad, guys. it's really sad), I also realized how much of my next three years will be spent doing fun things (very little). In order to avoid tail-spinning into a cavern of gloom and pessimism, I wanted to take some time before work today to review one of life's treasures. 


Let me share with you the tears, the dedication, and the triumphs.

FLASHBACK: Now, when I was stuck in purgatory (the BYU greenhouse) for two months in between wrist surgeries back in 2010, they had me do as much as I could with one arm in a cast and a sling. I was super depressed, wasn't allowed to drive, and was on a constant stream of nauseating pain meds. I had to one-handedly polish the tropical plants prior to devotional or pick up small items around the greenhouse. For 6 hours a day. Every day. Then, they put me in charge of watering the little poinsettias. This was my favorite job. I kept those damn things alive through painstakingly careful watering. At the end of the semester, as I was leaving for my final surgery, they let me take a little guy home with me to keep. Forever. I transferred all of my rage, sadness, and disappointment over what grounds and that pallet of sod had done to me into hope in that tiny plant. Surgery completed and cast removed, I met up with my brother and sister to begin our long drive back home. I had buckled my little poinsettia carefully in the back seat of the car, and planned on planting him in my backyard. My brother, tired and cranky that we were leaving at 6:30 in the morning, haphazardly threw his bags into the back and slammed the door. The little guy was completely crushed. His little poinsettia arms were broken and bleeding out white sap everywhere. I started sobbing and yelling right there in the parking lot. My brother thought I was crazy, but months later, after I brought it up in every gathering, he came to understand what that poinsettia meant. 

Fast forward to last year. For my birthday, my brother gave me a new celebratory poinsettia. The next week, I went home for Thanksgiving, and the poinsettia promptly died. Or came close to it.

So, if you took the time to read through that long, tragic, italicized story, you'll understand how sad I was. This new poinsettia was my second chance at redemption. At it died. Within two weeks. Now, My roommate graciously gave up the kitchen sink as I tried to nurse this pathetic plant back to health. It seemed worse than futile. Nearly all of the leaves dropped off and just a few sad barren stalks remained. I didn't give up though and a couple weeks later tiny new leaves began to sprout.

We both would be leaving to our respective home states soon though, abandoning this helpless wounded plant to fend for itself and likely die the final death. I had to do the unthinkable then. I had to ask someone who I wasn't really in much contact with to come to the house every day and keep my poor little guy alive for the 3 weeks I was gone. (I really need to make more friends in Sandy). I got back, and found that true to his word, this old friend had kept my baby alive.

And, 7 months later, look at him now!

There are few things quite as inspirational as a poinsettia that refuses to die. I dare you to find a better anecdote against discouragement.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

I Hate Murray

Unfortunately since more than 80% of my blog views come from mysterious internet sources, I can't tell you why I hate Murray as much as I do. Suffice it to say that I do. Even more than the town of Wells, Nevada. And that's saying something.

Friends, I'm trying to be optimistic, however sometimes I truly believe that the goobly-goop that gypsy yelled at me back in Alcala de Henares Spain in 2007 was actually a bona-fide gypsy curse. Here is my corollary evidence. 

1. The Salt Flats Depantsing of 2007
2. The Near Death Timpanogos Incident of 2007
3. The Near Death Lawn Mower Incident of 2008
4. The Brick Oven Stalker of 2008
5. The Tetanus Hanger Stabbing of 2008
6. The Near Death Pizza Box Crushing of 2008 
7. The ER Visit of 2008
8. The Anatomy Lab Trashcan Concussion of 2008
9. The Apartment Drama of 2009
10. The Sod Incident of 2009
11. The Near Death Lawn Mower Incident of 2009
12. The Christmas Party Dress Incident of 2009
13. The Broken Foot Incident of 2009
14. The MOA Pond Incident of 2009
15. The Swine Flu of 2009
16. The X-Country Skiing Accident of 2010
17. The Snowshoeing Incident of 2010
18. The Speeding 7 Over on the Way to a Children's Hospital Incident of 2010
19.  The Near Death Lawn Mower Incident of 2010
20. The Near Death Edger Incident of 2010
21. The Bicentennial Pond Incident of 2010
22. The "Did I Hear A Bear?!" Camping Incident of 2010
23. The Disappointing Surgery of 2010
24. The Black Eye of 2010
25. The Percocet Incident of 2010
26. The Broken Foot Incident of 2011
27. Brandon Davies and the Worst Way to End a 36 Hour Campout Incident of 2011
28. The Bike Accident of 2011
29. The Black Eye of 2011
30. The Bee Attack of 2011
31. The 4th of July Asthma Attack of 2011 
32. The Lost For 2 Hours in the Woods Camping Incident of 2011
33. The Retearing of the Knee of 2011
34. The 77 in a 75 Zone Incident of 2011 (WELLS!!!)
35. The Pre-Church Day After I Was Dumped Ice Slippage of 2012
36. The Tramadol Incident of 2012
37. The Kicked in the Face Incident of 2012
38. The Broken Foot Incident of 2012
39. The Easter ER Visit of 2012
40. The Crazy Man in SF Attack of 2012
41. The Grad School New Agey Rejection of 2012
42. The Grad School Losing My Recommendation Letters 3 Times Incident of 2012
43. The Followed Home From the Maverick Station by a Creeper Truck Incident of 2013 
44. The Car Randomly Starts Acting Ghetto Incident of 2013
45. The Broken Finger of 2013
46. The Kidney Stone of 2013
47. The "Is That a Murderer in the Garage?!" Incident of 2013
48. The Deal With a Crazy Person Incident of 2013
49. The DOPL Office Taking a Lifetime to Process My License Incident of 2013
50. The Murray is Literally Ruining My Life Incident of 2013 

EDIT: The curse isn't broken. Here's some more fun little anecdotes

51. The Unfortunately Timed Middle-of-solo-trip-across Nevada fever of 2013
52. The Freak Two Day Old Laptop Break of 2013
53. The Unfortunately timed first-week-of-grad-school Kidney Stone of 2013
54. The "make up your dang mind!" Incidents of 2013
55. The Midterm Flat Tire Incident of 2013
56. The Freak Bathroom Elbow Break of 2013
57. The Mid-Breakup-Pre-Christmas-Last-Final Parking Ticket Incident of 2013
58. The Christmas Undercooked Pork Roast Food Poisoning of 2013
Also, see thorn incident of 2014

And that's just to list a few. Draw your own conclusions, friends. 

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Les Miserables and Other Ridiculous Things

Now, I like much of the world did enjoy Les Mis. I saw the musical in London in fact, and liked it. I typically dislike musicals with a fiery passion. (Except for the glorious masterpiece Evita of course). However, there were some things I have to point out as being beyond ridiculous.

Absurd Thing #1

Really, Anne Hathaway. Turning to selling your hair, pulling your teeth, and prostitution was your only option?! Paris is a huge city. There isn't a single other factory to work in? There was no where else you could possibly work?? You lost your hair and were really sad and pathetic, and I feel for you, but you really should learn to take losing your job in stride. 

Absurd Thing #2

I'm sorry Victor Hugo, Javier is just too wacky for me to believe. I understand his portrayal is somewhat hyperbolic and metaphoric, but please. You really expect me to go with the idea that this guy will spend so many resources over decades to track down some dude who stole a loaf of bread, served his time, was legally released and then didn't quite follow parole correctly. Javier, you need to reevaluate some things buddy. And you need to try some escitalopram. There's no need for you to act like such a maniac. 

Absurd Thing #3

Cosette. (Amanda Seyfried). I still can't take her seriously. 

Absurd Thing #4 

Cosette and cutie pie's romance. 

I'm sorry, but if I fell so madly in love with some random dude I only interacted with for 5 minutes through a fence, I don't think my friends and family would be quite so supportive. You two are ridiculous. Straight up. 

Absurd Thing #5 

Pathetic Fantine. C'mon girl, have some self respect. We've all been through unrequited love. It sucks, but life goes on. Really. I know cutie pie is great, but there are other guys in that giant city. Just stay away from wackos like Javier. 

All things considered. The music is still so dang catchy. And the young actors are so pretty. And so is CGI 19th century Paris. I'd still watch it again. 

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

April! Without the yellow jumpsuit.

And yes I'm talking about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. In the style of obnoxious self aggrandizing holiday card updates, here are some of the highlights of this recent month.

First of all, can I just say, this has been a weird few weeks. Cray-cray is the best description. As many of my friends know, I am finishing up my pharmacy technician externship. Which concludes my 180 hours of unpaid hell. I mean heck. No, I really mean hell. It's become much more bearable, as I make fewer mistakes and begin to feel like a competent human being again. Plus wearing scrubs is so comfy. It's like going to work in your pajamas. Essentially a dream come true. 

I had a couple weird/scary personal things, but those have all hopefully passed. To whomever is sending me spammy/virusey emails with my sister's name and a link with vaguely threatening verbage, I think I know who you are. You actually used your name in the link. It's not sneaky.

I'm going to the U! Which is very exciting, although to be honest I still feel kinda dirty whenever I wear or even look at Ute paraphernalia. I can only hope that feeling will eventually go away. It makes me want to go and buy a BYU shirt to wear around everywhere. Hopefully I don't get mugged this next year. 

I'm done with my finals! Not that these classes really even matter that much, I just needed a 70%, and bear in mind, these classes were online. If you've ever taken online classes, you know that they are one of the biggest self esteem boosters on the planet (apart from tinder). 

So many of my friends are getting married/ finding the loves of their lives! It really does feel like things are starting to work out for a lot of us. I am right on track for my future cabin alone in the woods where I will be accompanied by dozens of cats and puppies. Could life be better? :)

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Pros and Cons of Being a Lady

I was adorable
Is it more difficult to be a girl or a guy? Obviously as I am of the female persuasion, I view things from that perspective. But while I have never been a man, I know some of what you go through. We'll start with you.

Man Pros

- A morning routine that can take less than 10 minutes.
- No need to blow dry, straighten, and then curl your hair.
- Split ends? Do you even know what those are?
- Metabolism.
- Rugged man smell.
- Overall less gossiping.
- At family get togethers, can avoid helping in the kitchen and just watch/play a game.
-  Less crying.
- No one thinks you're crazy for jogging around your neighborhood at 9pm alone.
- Outfit planning for church involves choosing between the red tie and the blue tie.
- Spacial skills.
- You can be pope.
- Don't have to worry about getting puffy every 4 weeks. And the hormonal roller coaster. And everything else.
- Weird skin day? Grow a beard. (Unless you're going to BYU...)
- Ability to do manly awesome things like chop wood.
- Can wear comfortable clothes pretty much all the time. With fewer layers.
- Don't have to be afraid to be alone in your own house.
- People believe you when you say you like watching sports.
- You don't have to wonder how you'll have both a family and a career.
- Fewer cases of bunions.

Everyone's got to have an ambiguous gender photo

Lady Pros

- We don't even need to open our own doors. But we can if we want to. That's pretty neat.
- We're allowed to smell like vanilla rain blossoms.
- Weird skin day? Hello concealer.
- We're generally given more leeway. Tears can accomplish so much.
- Our hair may take forever, but it is always there to play with when we get bored.
- We're allowed to giggle.
- We can paint our nails all sorts of awesome colors.
- We're pretty much allowed to wear whatever we want. Giant comfy man shirt? Sure.
- Stressed? Go shopping.
- We can make babies.
- Picking outfits can actually be fun, given enough time and resources.
- Makeup has done wonders for us, ladies. Let's be honest with ourselves.
- We're allowed to secretly like Justin Beiber.
- No matter what's going on in our life, one look at a baby animal, and we're back.
- It doesn't sound as creepy when we talk about our celebrity crushes.
- People occasionally underestimate our intelligence, giving us perpetual opportunities to prove them wrong.

I'm sure I've offended someone with my sweeping generalizations. I'm sorry (*cute girly giggle*).

 (I'm also not that vapid, I promise.)

This weekend, my roommate and I heard what we thought was someone in our garage. Before I opened the garage, my roommate thought it would be smarter to have someone else (a guy) there in case there was a scary murderer in there. It's moments like this that make us feel vulnerable, which stinks. We're just lucky we had people we could call. If you're a guy, and awesome, thank you for being awesome. Being a lady can be hard.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Things I will never understand.

Over the years of my life I have come to accept many things. True understanding in some sectors of my existence continues to elude me though. It doesn't matter how much investigating or mental pondering I do, I am still unable to fathom certain things...

1. Bobby Pins
If you are a girl, or a boy with voluptuous hair, you will know what I am talking about. Every time you have to vacuum a room, the floor is covered with hundreds if not thousands of them. However, if you just need a quick bobby to pin up your hair, there isn't a single one to be found. I know that over the years, I have bought plenty of those 100 pack things of hair pins. Every night, I take the 4 or 5 out of my hair and set them down on my nightstand. It should be simple enough the next morning, right? No. Sometime in the middle of the night, they have disappeared. So, I go and spend another 99 cents on another package. The 4-5 bobby pin attrition soon makes this new package eventually go empty too. Where do they go?! The blackhole of my room that only emerges once I've plugged in a vacuum cleaner. But, I am smarter than them. This morning, I found myself hunting around my room for a couple bobby pins to pin up my bangs. Of course, I couldn't find a single one. So, I go and grab the vacuum cleaner. 5 seconds into it, I find a cache of bobby pins, all muttering to themselves "well played".

2. The Kardashians
How are they famous? Why do I know who they are? No, I would never, never go seeking out their TV show or really anything about them. But yet, I could give you all sorts of details about Khloe and Lamar, Kourtney and Scott and their two kids, and the freak show that is Kanye and Kim. How?? And more  importantly, why??

3. Why People Insist on Loving Frigid Winters
Believe me, I like playing in snow just as much as the average person. But living in it is awful. Gosh awful. Anyone insisting on it being their favorite season or whatever is just deluding theirself (I'm looking at you, Stephen Thurston, Matt Manwaring).

Let's look the perks of a mild, California Winter:
-Going outside without feeling that your face is going to freeze off
-Not having this happen. (I saw no less than 3 cars almost completely lose control on my street today.)
-Not having to spend hours upon hours shoveling
-Not having to spend hours upon hours clearing snow off your car.
-Not having to resort to cannibalism to stay alive (I'm looking at you, Donner Party [ok, I know there's scientific evidence that they didn't actually resort to cannibalism, and it was in CA. but, it was in the CA mountains])
-Not having to worry about frost bite
-The Sun.

Look, going to visit the snow is fine. Fun, in fact. I just don't want to look out my front door at 1 in the afternoon and see this:

4. How/When/Why This Started.

I think I lost a few facebook friends over our cat posts during the last few months... It still makes me laugh though... so oh well! 

EDIT: Just kidding! I know why I love cat stuff. Because they're Adorable!