Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Everything I Know About Love I Learned From Romantic Movies

There are many valuable lessons to learn from movies about love. This Valentine's Day, I would to share just a few of the tidbits of wisdom I have gleaned over the years.

While You Were Sleeping

True love can be built on a complete lie, as long as you only let the lie continue to the point where you're only about to marry your true love's brother. Also, be careful the way you lean.

Return to Me

It's perfectly acceptable to stalk your husband from beyond the grave. Just be sure you mark "donor" on your license application.

My Best Friend's Wedding

While hilarity will inevitably ensue, maybe going to your ex-boyfriend-who-you're-still-in-love-with's wedding is not the best of ideas.

Pride and Prejudice

If you are truly dedicated enough, your love can survive economic and educational disparity, patronizing, family incompatibility, and flat out rejection and hatred.

Notting Hill

If you are charmingly awkward enough, you can land a hot Hollywood movie star by merely being yourself.


The universe wants you and your beloved to be together. If you are destined to be together, stop even trying to make it happen. It just will. Years later. Plus, it doesn't hurt to go shopping for gloves.

Sleepless in Seattle

Traveling across the country and stalking someone you heard over the radio is a very effective wooing tactic.

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Whatever you do, don't let your love fern die.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

..And all that Jazz.

(photo courtesy holly mumford)

This post is dedicated to my good friend Matthew Manwaring, who I have now known for about two years. Recently in his blog, he created an entry where the first half attempted to be in my own words. Believe me, the second half of his post was pretty much the same crazy-talk as the rest of his blog. Maybe my frustration in trying to read what he writes centers on my inability to decipher the "deeper meaning". According to those who know Mr. Manwaring even better than me, there is indeed a way to understand what his supposed gibberish is trying to communicate. So, I invite all those reading to this point, especially those in acquaintance with the man we call pappy, to go ahead and read his blog a little first, then I will try and write a summary of my feelings this week in classic Matt Manwaring style. I can only return the favor, Matthew.

Paradise comes at a price. What one I'm not willing to pay. Is it really a paved parking lot? Let me tell you. All the ferrets are fleeing for golden states. But for something better? Turns out they're outlaws. Lock up your bonnie banks. Bet they didn't see it coming. You better ask Barbara. She may not give you much more than a cup of tea. What about stew and all that jazz. It's all meaty and full of vitamin B12. Until it gets you with its enticing blue hue. For What? Only empty stomachs and disappointment. Its time you try something stronger, soldier. Like porridge.

Remember, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Seven Things the World Doesn't Need

The Requirement for Store Employees to Ask "Do You Need Help With Anything?"

I have been asked this so many times while shopping that my reply is already an automatic "No, thank you, I'm just browsing". Then, to convince them I truly am confident of my answer, I wander away looking intently at a pile of shirts in the distance. I feel I should be free to aimlessly rifle through merchandise in peace, without justification. If I needed help, I'd probably just ask. I know who you are, store employee. You're wearing a name tag, so I'm pretty sure I know who to go to if I need assistance. The fact I'm by myself may mean I actually enjoy or perhaps prefer this solitary browsing experience. I don't need store employee Brittany judging me for my taste in clothes. Now, I used to work for Mervyns, so I know that it isn't Brittany's fault. You're told to ask every customer to haplessly wander into your section if they need help with anything. I just wonder if anyone ever likes it when they do. I'm pretty sure most consumers can figure out where things are based on the big signs or determine what it is they came there to buy. You don't need to tell them.

People Who Get Paid to Install Windshield Wipers

Those who know me may be aware that I am not the most mechanically inclined person in the world. It took me several months to learn how to change a mower blade and I ruptured a ligament repairing a lawn edger once. I can count the number of times on one hand I've looked under the hood of my car, which I have now owned for 7 years. One thing I can do is change a windshield wiper. Seriously, it takes 2 minutes. If I can do it, literally anybody can. When I was in WalMart the other day, I saw a sign advertising to change windshield wiper blades for 7 dollars per blade. That's almost more than it takes to just buy them. Seriously, it's like paying someone to brush your teeth or tie your shoes. Which you could do if you're crazy, a Kardashian, or a 13th century monarch. Just install your own dang wiper blades.


I hate this game. Not only does my ability to see and recognize words diminish exponentially with each grain of sand that falls in that little hourglass, but this game just gives me a massive headache. Now, I was not blessed with the world's best spacial skills. In fact, ask me to draw a 3D picture, and you will see exactly what I'm talking about. But I'm really not terrible with words. I'm just saying, I did decently well on the verbal section of the GRE and I won a medal in high school for a vocabulary competition. But, I promise you that in this stupid game, I cannot see more than words like "cow" "book" "man". Obviously this is not because of any shortcoming on my part. The game must be inherently flawed. And thus, evil.


They're gross. They just are.


Just look at it, those spindly legs and weirdly segmented body just scream diabolicalness. Every single one of those 8 eyes are likely glaring malevolently. It's obvious they're out to get us. Name one thing that lurks as much as they do. Even the boy who stalked me once wasn't this creepy. Especially Daddy Long Legs. They're always sitting there in the corner of the ceiling... waiting... And just when you're beginning to drift into a peaceful sleep, they strike. Is that a hair you just felt brush across your face? No, it's one of the Daddy Long Legs' long legs. Good luck falling back asleep.

Newt Gingrich's Presidential Run

That is all that I will say on the matter

Ambiguous Facebook Relationship Statuses

And I mean this with all love towards anyone who finds their self in this tricky dating situation. It's just that I have never seen an "it's complicated" or "open relationship" turn into something more than "single" after a couple weeks. Can't facebook just do us all a favor and not temptingly put this status as an option? It's like watching Hotel Rwanda. You know what's coming.