Friday, February 3, 2012

Seven Things the World Doesn't Need

The Requirement for Store Employees to Ask "Do You Need Help With Anything?"

I have been asked this so many times while shopping that my reply is already an automatic "No, thank you, I'm just browsing". Then, to convince them I truly am confident of my answer, I wander away looking intently at a pile of shirts in the distance. I feel I should be free to aimlessly rifle through merchandise in peace, without justification. If I needed help, I'd probably just ask. I know who you are, store employee. You're wearing a name tag, so I'm pretty sure I know who to go to if I need assistance. The fact I'm by myself may mean I actually enjoy or perhaps prefer this solitary browsing experience. I don't need store employee Brittany judging me for my taste in clothes. Now, I used to work for Mervyns, so I know that it isn't Brittany's fault. You're told to ask every customer to haplessly wander into your section if they need help with anything. I just wonder if anyone ever likes it when they do. I'm pretty sure most consumers can figure out where things are based on the big signs or determine what it is they came there to buy. You don't need to tell them.

People Who Get Paid to Install Windshield Wipers

Those who know me may be aware that I am not the most mechanically inclined person in the world. It took me several months to learn how to change a mower blade and I ruptured a ligament repairing a lawn edger once. I can count the number of times on one hand I've looked under the hood of my car, which I have now owned for 7 years. One thing I can do is change a windshield wiper. Seriously, it takes 2 minutes. If I can do it, literally anybody can. When I was in WalMart the other day, I saw a sign advertising to change windshield wiper blades for 7 dollars per blade. That's almost more than it takes to just buy them. Seriously, it's like paying someone to brush your teeth or tie your shoes. Which you could do if you're crazy, a Kardashian, or a 13th century monarch. Just install your own dang wiper blades.


I hate this game. Not only does my ability to see and recognize words diminish exponentially with each grain of sand that falls in that little hourglass, but this game just gives me a massive headache. Now, I was not blessed with the world's best spacial skills. In fact, ask me to draw a 3D picture, and you will see exactly what I'm talking about. But I'm really not terrible with words. I'm just saying, I did decently well on the verbal section of the GRE and I won a medal in high school for a vocabulary competition. But, I promise you that in this stupid game, I cannot see more than words like "cow" "book" "man". Obviously this is not because of any shortcoming on my part. The game must be inherently flawed. And thus, evil.


They're gross. They just are.


Just look at it, those spindly legs and weirdly segmented body just scream diabolicalness. Every single one of those 8 eyes are likely glaring malevolently. It's obvious they're out to get us. Name one thing that lurks as much as they do. Even the boy who stalked me once wasn't this creepy. Especially Daddy Long Legs. They're always sitting there in the corner of the ceiling... waiting... And just when you're beginning to drift into a peaceful sleep, they strike. Is that a hair you just felt brush across your face? No, it's one of the Daddy Long Legs' long legs. Good luck falling back asleep.

Newt Gingrich's Presidential Run

That is all that I will say on the matter

Ambiguous Facebook Relationship Statuses

And I mean this with all love towards anyone who finds their self in this tricky dating situation. It's just that I have never seen an "it's complicated" or "open relationship" turn into something more than "single" after a couple weeks. Can't facebook just do us all a favor and not temptingly put this status as an option? It's like watching Hotel Rwanda. You know what's coming.