Friday, January 27, 2012

When it Rains, it Pours and it isn't gumdrops

Well, I have to admit, this has not been my favorite month ever. Believe me, I haven't been wronged in any way. Except maybe by the state of Nevada. I am personally averse to putting too much of my personal life on the internet for everyone to see. I'm not going to post this link anywhere, so hopefully not too many of you are going to stumble upon it. I'm mostly just writing this for myself.

I'm just going to come right out and say it. Things are tough. I get by though, cause they are never exactly too bad. I'm honestly just a little scared. Again.

I'm scared for my mom, that news this week was very... well, scary. She'll be ok for now, but it is just a reminder of how you should never take the people in your life for granted. She lost her mother at age 55, and it was a cold splash of water to remind me.

It has been tempting to enact my 25 year plan early and just preemptively move into a cabin in the middle of the woods and live in harmony with the local woodland creatures and my 50 cats. For now though, I've just kept my game face on. It takes every fiber of my inner being to not give up, but I'm not, at least yet. I love those around me. I love everyone who has stepped up, mostly unconsciously, at a time when I need them badly. Scrolling back to last year, anyone (even complete strangers, I'm realizing uncomfortably) can know that I've been through some rough times. I sure hope I didn't do anything to bring it on myself.

I know I'm not as cheery as others. I do my best. I don't feel like being fake, so forgive my occasional ambivalence. I know things will become better again. I got over the knowledge I would have a permanent disability, all because of a pallet of sod. I'll get over this too. Even if it takes me beating a bunch of 8 year-olds at laser tag. We'll get there. Pain dulls and I'll have moved on before I knew it. For now, if you happen to read this, and then see me, I really wouldn't mind a hug.