Beware the Ides of November (Or, really just November 6th)

I do most of my deepest thinking as I'm punch dancing in my backyard. As I was expertly jamming to Barefoot Blue Jean Night in my tankini (it's 104 degrees), I thought about this coming fall.

I usually don't like to talk about politics, mostly because I rarely agree with anyone around me. Do I support gay marriage? No. My church leaders have come out specifically in opposition to that. This puts me against nearly all the more liberal of my acquaintanceship. My faith is paramount in my life. Do I feel that society needs to ensure the basic welfare of all? Yes. I think many people agree with this tenet, but disagree with how it should be carried out. I love my country and I want it, and all who live within its boundaries to be as successful and happy as possible.

I personally feel that it needs to be specifically mandated that all are cared for, and the responsibility of the government to ensure that this is carried out. This puts me at odds with the majority of my more conservative friends who feel that this is the responsibility of individuals and groups within our society, but that depending on the government for these services is inefficient and unnecessary. For those of you reading, I understand. Believe me. I try to be as informed as possible and see every issue from as many vantage points as I can. I have seen both through social data and through personal anecdotal experiences that there exists major disparity throughout our society. I was personally born with many socioeconomic privileges and I am aware that many have to overcome so much just to be on the same playing field that I was given. This is why I feel I should sacrifice some of my income in support of those born with much less than me. I believe that, while imperfect and often not entirely efficient, social programs are a step in the right direction for allowing equal opportunity for success. This is my personal feeling. I know again that many disagree.

I support immigration policies allowing for amnesty. I have seen and have spoken with many who depend on undocumented workers for the economic sustainability of their businesses. It makes fiscal and moral sense to me to allow these undocumented workers a documented and legal place within our society. I will vote for candidates who champion causes closest to my personal beliefs.

This brings us all to this next November. While I value and admire the courage and character of most of the candidates, I will choose who I vote for based on my personal beliefs. I will not actively campaign or shove in anyone else's face my choices. I am very wary of those who belittle, mock, or bully someone who sees political issues differently. I have experienced this myself, and it is very unpleasant. I have very carefully and thoughtfully formed my opinions with the best information I have. I do not take the idea of forming opinions lightly. I hope by this paragraph I haven't lost any friends (because I have before), I don't think my political viewpoints are a secret. I also hope I don't return to Provo tomorrow to a mob of pitchforks outside my apartment. I only ask that we be respectful and understanding of others' beliefs and recognize that sometimes we just won't see things the same way. This goes for me too. If I do/say anything obnoxious, feel free to call me a dirty hypocrite. I also hope that this hasn't sounded like a long, annoying, pontifical rant. I promise this is the last time I will specifically mention politics in this blog! Whew! 

If anything, I just wish Mike Gravel would run again.

Contacts, I Hate You... Part 3

Friends, let me take you back to Thursday, June 21st 2012. Now, June 21st's have always been notorious for being bad in my life history. Really, I can't think of much good that has ever come from a June 21st. Let me explain how Bryant Milesi from my kindergarten class is responsible for me waking up on a strange couch at 2 am.

Thursday morning, I woke up at about 10:13am feeling good about life. I was fairly optimistic for how my Thursday would go. I became way too ambitious and thought "Self, I have a great idea! I'll wear my contacts today, I'll actually be able to see the children I teach!". Unfortunately, with seasonal allergies, about 20 local wildfires, and a climate drier than the Sahara, it wasn't too successful. I got a contact in my right eye after 15 minutes and felt pretty confident. How wrong I was. I next tried my left eye and found myself with my contact "missing". Remembering the incident of October 17th, I knew I needed to hunt around my eye. Indeed, there he was, lurking under my left eyelid all cozy and rolled up. After extracting the contact, I tried again. And again. And again. Suddenly, it was 11:30, I had to leave, and I only had one contact in.

So, I try taking out my right contact. I miss. I try again. I miss again. Finally, my eyes are contact-free. My vision is more than typically blurry and more bloodshot than a hippie on 4/20, but I am free.

I continue throughout my day and find my vision is worse than typical. Why did I fail so badly at flag-football practice? Obviously it was my eyesight. This also goes for why I almost rode my bicycle into a telephone pole and how I ended up almost killing myself after institute. After a very long, detailed, informative institute lesson, I was happily sitting around socializing and eating a cookie. Now, this cookie was an allergist's nightmare. It had chocolate, white chocolate, oatmeal, almonds, walnuts, and coconut lurking in small slivers. Blindly oblivious to this noxious drupe in my seemingly innocuous cookie, I ate on. I got through about 2/3 of the cookie before a friend, watching me eat, spotted those slivers of coconut. I hurredly disposed of as much of the coconut as I could and sped off on my bicycle back to my apartment. And this is where my memory gets fuzzy. I took some benedryl to ensure my face didn't blow up. I think I ended up at someone's intramural game? And riding around in someone's car? And watching I.Q.? All I know for certain is that I found myself eventually alone and very confused on Heather Cove 12's couch at 2 in the morning with a couple unexplained text messages sent from my phone.

There I am, back when I had 20/20 vision. Bryant Milesi is all the way on the left. 

The moral of the story, beware the 21st of June. And any kindergartner named Bryant.

Pros and Cons of Working with Children

My new job involves working with the (mostly) delightful children of Utah County. Having survived my first week, I have already compiled some of the best and the worst factors of spending an extended amount of time with the younger population.

Pro: Instant Self-Esteem booster

If you want to feel better about yourself, work with kids. Not only do they treat you like a rockstar, some will actually cry when you leave. You can't buy that kind of flattery. You will be told many times how awesome/beautiful your clothes, hair, face, earrings, shoes, and eyes are.

Con: Prepare to always hear complaining about something

The classroom is too cold/hot, you spent to little/much time on snack break, someone else in the class didn't look at them nicely... it literally goes on and on. You develop very quickly a constantly empathetic expression and become adept at appeasement. I suddenly have a lot more sympathy for Neville Chamberlain.

Pro: It's cool to be dorky

You can let your inner freak flag fly, because, the more silly and ridiculous you act, the more they love it. On the same side, you can be a know-it-all without being completely obnoxious. You get asked a question about why lasers are called lasers and you can launch into a 15 minute explanation about 'Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation' and have 20 faces in complete awe stare back at you. (note: They might not actually be impressed as much as they are just completely lost... as you are next asked what 'acronym' means. This doesn't matter, take it as flattery and leave it at that)

Con: You have to have about 50 pairs of eyes

I think I'm beginning to understand the biological advantage to having multiple eyes. Generally these are granted to creatures with very large numbers of offspring. I believe that, in large groups, the young of any species are apt to go completely out of control. All it takes is for you to be helping one group of children with their project to turn around and find someone attempting to climb out a window, or up a flagpole, or over a fence, or on top of the piano, or into a stranger's van, or under the bleachers, or into the bushes, or into some other highly hazardous area.

Pro: It's FUN!

There's a reason people voluntarily choose this for employment. Kids are fun. Playing is fun. You get to release your inner child and just enjoy life again. Yes, it can be very stressful, and yes you have to solve many many ridiculous disputes and constantly save them from themselves, but it is really worth it. Nothing is cooler than seeing a kid learn something new or do something they'd only seen happen in movies. That excitement is contagious. It's refreshing to be reminded of life when the biggest worries are what's for dinner and what I'm going to build with my lego set.

(p.s. I don't know why there's like 3 different types of font going on... just go with it)

Why There are Missions

So, I had a very cool experience this last weekend. It involves some of the missionaries that taught my family. Oh yeah, also if you didn't know, I'm a member of the LDS church.

Let me give you a little bit of background. You see, both my parents were sort-of Catholics, which meant we went to mass on big holidays, mainly Christmas and Easter. I was taught very spiritual principles from a young age though. I could bust out the Lord's Prayer faster than the alphabet. My grandmother gave me a cross that I cherished, I had a small statue of the Virgin Mary I kept in my room, and I remember wondering many times about the nature of God, the purpose of life, etc. Well, insofar as an elementary school student can delve into these questions. Then, one Sunday in October, our whole family was in the backyard raking up leaves and we hear a knock on the fence. There were two guys standing there in suits who both had the first name "Elder". I can remember this like it was yesterday. We invited them to come back later that week (since we were all covered in leaves).

Well anyway, it took us a while, but eventually we all joined the LDS church and my whole family has stayed active since. My brother served a mission, and I graduated from BYU. I have often thought about the missionaries that taught us. I could remember their faces, their spirit, their sincerity and hard work. But I could not remember their names and I had no idea where they were or what they were doing. I guess part of me also didn't even think that teaching and baptizing my family was something they'd remember very well so long after it had happened. Well, I went several years thinking about getting ahold of the missionaries, but never really trying very hard. Then, a couple weeks ago, a friend told me I really should do it, that it would be something that the former missionaries would really appreciate, and that I should start off looking for the mission president at the time and go from there. I thought that was a great idea... but I kept telling myself I'd do it later (which, if you've ever changed my car's oil, you know that for me 'later' means up to 8 months in the future). It did keep nagging at me though. It wasn't until the CES devotional, which was held up by the Sacramento temple, my temple, that I suddenly realized it was something I really needed to do, like now.

So, I went on the internet, and within 10 minutes I found a way to contact the one missionary whose name I remembered. The one who was there working with my family the longest. I sent him a message, just kind of updating how we all were and saying thank you. I did get a little sentimental, I'll admit. I'm kind of a huge sap that way. A few hours later, I got an email back from him saying how he'd been trying to find contact information for years on my family, how he wanted to take his family down to his old mission and to meet mine, and how he thought about and spoke about us often. I can't tell you how awesome this was to hear. If you have been on a mission or even just touched someone's life, let them know what it meant to you too. That's the fabulous thing about doing something for someone else. Not only do you help them out, but they help you too. If it was something big enough, take the time to let them know how much that opportunity to serve has effected your life too. I originally thought that getting in contact with our missionaries was something nice I could do for them, but it ended up being very meaningful to me.

Getting Sealed at the Oakland Temple

I apologize for the cheese, it's my dad's birthday so maybe my emotional side is coming out.

Lolz

Ahh, text messages. There are few things on the planet that I hate/love/adore/despise as much as SMS. In many ways, my life has been thoroughly blessed by this little invention. It can make communication much more convenient, accessible, and non-imposing. If I need to borrow Jose's banjo, I don't have to call Jose and get through 45 seconds of pleasantries before demanding it of him. I can just pick up my phone, type a few letters, and call it good. It really is an introvert's dream. Naturally however, this double edged sword comes with a price.

Let me give you an example:

Person 1: HEY! CoNgRaTs on winning the chess tournament!!!!!!1 :) ! :)

Person 2: thanks.

Now, person 1 may interpret the lack of excessive smileys, exclamation points, or capitalization in person 2's response as a dismissal and may dejectedly never speak to person 2 again. Perhaps person 2 really was annoyed. Although, maybe person 2 is just not the most effusive texter. Person 1 may never know.

See, I'm sure this is an issue we have all faced at least once in the last 10 years. The main issue when it comes to texts, is the absence of tone. Sometimes the inherently sarcastic will take a comment to be flippant, when in reality it was meant with all sincerity:

Person 3: What'd you think of my exhibition on underwater metallic basket weaving?

Person 4: Yeah, it was totally great.

Person 3: Okay. Thanks a lot, "friend".

Person 4: Wait, why are you using quotations? What?

Person 3: You know why!

Here we have person 3 taking person 4's genuine compliment to have a sarcastic tone. Thus, person 3 is offended and a friendship just died.

Conversely, a person lacking in pretense or satire may miss the telltale rolling of the eyes or dry delivery that would normally tip them off to the tongue-in-cheek nature of someone's comment:

Person 5: I am having the best month of my life.

Person 4: Yay!

Person 5: Ya, turns out I have hepatitis.

Person 4: Oh, ok!

Person 5: It was probably because of the hypodermic needle I got stabbed with when I was carjacked last week.

Person 4: Wait.. so why is this month so great? Is it your birthday??

It is sometimes impossible to tell whether one is being facetious or not.

Another problem with text messaging are the conversation enders. The best text messaging experiences I've had are when they just naturally flow on for days, much like a normal conversation. A conversation consisting of 160 characters or less and responses varying between hours and seconds that is. I personally hate being the last one to respond, it makes me feel like I have said something so incommunicable that the other person is at a loss for words. Or just really doesn't care. Although, I also hate to leave someone else's response just hanging out there... in the wind. It is a true paradox. There is literally no way to win.

Sometimes, when you've hit a lull in the conversation, apparently you're supposed to just let the conversation die. I hate watching things die. I will usually do all I can to attempt to resuscitate anything about to give up the ghost... the duct taped cell phone, the nearly drowned ant, the wilting cactus, and the directionless text message conversation. I remember one time specifically when I asked my roommate if I should try to keep an exchange going, or if it would just be 'beating a dead horse', to which she replied "I think you beat that poor horse to death a long time ago". I feel like when you are actually speaking to someone, this issue does not come up nearly as often. Maybe it's because social decorum necessitates our endurance of boring topics or maybe it just isn't as noticeable who stopped talking when and why if your words aren't recorded and readable.

This is not even going into the riskiness of using sometimes unreliable cell phones to communicate. Are you really sending a message to friend A about boy D? Or are you accidentally sending boy D a message about boy D? Sometimes cell phones are evil and take on a life of their own. Regardless, I will continue my conflicted utilization of this blessing/curse of technology. Maybe one day I will master it, but until then it will continue to be the bane/blessing of my existence.

Waxing Pensive

Today was one year from the "maximum improvement status" on my wrist, which meant a check-up phone call from worker's comp. It is really amazing to me that something so small has caused so much life change. Forgive me for writing my thoughts out on here. I think we're all friends. 

The BYU worker's comp lady wanted so badly for me to give her good news that I didn't correct her when she said I probably had more function than I thought I would. The truth is more that I've gotten used to it. I remember when I first got the cast off, my wrist felt like some alien appendage, and I would act like at any point it might jump up and strangle me (like Wormtail's silver hand. Harry Potter? Anyone? Anyone?). Maybe I don't have more function, but I've figured out ways to still do things with my life. Can't snowboard? Well, I'll just go Cross-Country skiing. If I strap on an ugly wrist brace, I can actually do a lot of things. I've learned to lift with my forearms, which is not quite as handy (haha, I'm so puny), but means I can still move things. It still hurts to type though and with the weather comes annoying aching. In fact, it hurts every day. But again, this is not as devastating as it seemed at first. 

I have to be more careful and I have learned to expect pain or discomfort, but that is definitely endurable. Weirdly, this whole experience has actually done a number on me with how I feel. I honestly went through the first 22 years of my life thinking that I could do anything. Suddenly I found myself with an injury that would affect me for the rest of my life and I wasn't ready for something like that yet. It's made me stronger, but in a very subtle way. In some aspects, I am more afraid and cautious than I used to be (you won't see me doing handstands any time soon), but in others I am fearless. Yeah, I had to give up some of my dreams, my grad school admission, my career choice, and a lot of activities. Am I ok? Yeah. Can I still do so much with my life? Of course. I have found myself pretty much at the low of lows and I survived. It's probably what helped me brush off my recent Oregon school experience with little more than a hearty chuckle. Do I know where I am going right now? No. But I like it. It doesn't scare me anymore. I have felt and experienced what it is like to have everything turned upside down and I know you get through it. 

Initially I could not understand why something like this had happened to me. I'm a relatively nice person. I pay my tithing. It seemed so horribly, bitterly unfair. But now I know I can handle anything. Instead of destroying my confidence and leaving it in pieces, this experience broke it down and slowly made it into something better. I know who I am and I know what I can do. I'm not saying I would wish for it again, or even that I'm to the point where I can feel grateful for it. I just have come to terms with it, and can acknowledge the changes it has made. 

How to Always be Happy

In life, devastating events can occur and we find ourselves facing nearly insurmountable odds. When we've climbed all the mountains we can, and find ourselves at the end of our emotional rope, there's really not anything we can do. Except crawl into a corner. And die.

That's not what this post is about. Don't ever allow yourself to be melodramatically depressive for more than 15 minutes if you're by yourself or for more than 30 if your with a group of empathizing friends. Maintain your happiness! This is crucial. Below are my tips for sustaining a balanced positivity in day to day life. This is not to be confused with Beating the Winter Blues, those suggestions are for last minute happiness boosters and should only be used in emergencies, and thus sparingly. You should try these on a nearly daily basis.

1. Eat Carrots

Not only are these golden finger-like gifts of the gods absolutely delicious, they're also packed full of vitamin A. And fiber. Once you've trained yourself to stress-eat carrots, you can cut out a good portion of your chocolate consumption. Meaning that now only 67% of your daily caloric intake is derived from Nestle or Hershey. Trust me, you can go through an entire bag of this delectable vegetable a day.

2. Watch Evita

First of all, this is the best movie ever made. Second, it has Antonio Banderas. The more you watch it, the better it gets. After a mere 15 viewings, you will know all the lyrics to all the songs. Which is bound to make you very popular with those of the opposite gender. All you have to do is saunter up to your intended target, croon out the lyrics to I'd Be Surprisingly Good for You, look at them seductively, and they're yours.

3. Drive up Provo Canyon

If you don't live in Provo or Utah County, just drive somewhere with trees or mountains. Or if you live in the midwest, drive to an Arby's. I'm not even kidding you that driving up that canyon brings more joy into my life than almost anything else. My favorite part is heading back towards Provo from the reservoir. There's one point in the drive right before you pass Sundance, where the angle of the mountains is just incredible. Really, you should try driving up there. Or maybe have someone else drive you up there so you don't go off the road after becoming entranced by this glorious view I just told you about.

4. Listen to Tom Jones

Ok, or really just It's Not Unusual. I first came to love this song when seeing it on Mars Attacks! in my youth and this love has stayed with me as I have grown. In fact, I find myself happily bouncing down the street, swinging my arms to the beat and beaming at everyone I walk past for nearly the entire 2.5 minute duration of the song. I have even found myself happily bounding along to this song as I've been trudging through snow.

5. Spend an Inordinate amount on time on Facebook

This is my best suggestion for maintaining a happy life. Get on Facebook. A lot. Not only does this make you feel like you're actually interacting with friends, you can do all sorts of things. Like, stalk your ex-boyfriend's roommate's sister's best friend's cousin's wedding pictures. Or go through liking everything that comes up on your news feed. Or looking for ways to make a cuss word on Words with Friends. Possibilities with Facebook are endless.

Well, friends. Stay positive, and do these things as often as you can for a happy and fulfilling life.

Life Modifications

Whoa boy, sometimes changes are the hardest things to take. I like to think I'm good at it, but I'm really not. I still have and mostly use the same yahoo! email account from 2002, and I resist every time they try to update it to the new version. I still hate my new facebook timeline. Whenever I have to switch to a new cell phone (sadly a somewhat common occurrence), I feel like a little part of me has died. At the same time, I have never lived in the same apartment for more than a year, I switch out shampoo brands every couple months or so, and I (fully intend to) donate a piece of clothes for every new one I buy. Because even though it hurts me, I know, deep down, change is good for me. Just ask Tupac.

Right now, I am switching rooms, but staying in the same apartment. I found myself looking at the bathroom my roommate and I currently share with an emotional pang this morning. After Friday, I will never again use that shower. But, this will be a good experience. I am moving to a much bigger room, and going through my stuff once again will probably result in a much needed purging of extraneous things (like that one ugly sweater I only wore one time in 2008).

The saddest part is that my other 3 roommates are moving on to bigger and better things in a house for the summer. Now that they are packing up their things and preparing to leave, I am realizing that this is a big change that will initially be very difficult. Last year I did not live in this apartment, but in an apartment literally 2 feet away. I am going to miss being a porch step or closer away. I am going to even miss my roommate's weird penchant for poached eggs, pickles, baby lotion, gnomes, and country music. I actually just got a little chocked up typing that.

Personally, I chose to stay, because I have grown happily accustomed to the ward I am in now. However, I know this has to be my last summer here. No, things will never be the same, but maybe they'll be better? Stagnation is always bad. There's a reason you're more likely to get Giardia in a lake than a running stream. Every new experience and change can make us into (hopefully) better people. As Barney said, make new friends, but keep the old; one is silver and the other is gold. I don't even want to think about what it will be like to leave Provo for good at the end of the Summer. Good thing I'm not an emotional being who occasionally cries over battery commercials.

The Best Worst News I've Ever Received

Well friends, I might as well admit it. I did not get into grad school this time. As sad as I thought I would be at this news, I had a rather fortunate method which informed me of my declining (well, technically I'm on the waiting list... but it won't happen). I thought I may share this with you, so it may bring you to an understanding of why I really am ok with it.

I'll take you to last Friday afternoon. I hadn't heard back yet from this school and I was somewhat curious as to my admission status (ok, I was going bonkers waiting to find out). So, I went ahead and called the school. Being tired of waiting, I left a polite, yet succinct voice mail. Five minutes later I got a call back. Apparently there had been some mailing error, and two of the letters came back with "return to sender". The individual on the phone then informed me of my placement on the waiting list. Way back on the waiting list. Before I can say a word, I am then subjected to a 26 minute onslaught of crazy. During the deluge of weird metaphors and explanations (I was compared to a pile of m&m's and blobs of clay) I had a personal epiphany. There was no way in heck I was going to this school. Yes, I was told how my "energy was not in sync with their program" and how I needed to "continue my spiritual journey to new depths". I was told they do not chose students off of merit, but who they think they feel has the best spiritual connection to their program. They just didn't like my incorporeal energy and my m&m color. Tender Mercies.

While I stayed composed on the phone (it wasn't too hard, I only had to say 4 words in 26 minutes) I thought I would feel the rush of sad when I hung up. Nope. Just overwhelming relief. If I hadn't been exposed to almost a straight half-hour of insanity, I probably would have been very, very disappointed. This was right though. Yeah, I really didn't mesh well with their program. I want to go somewhere where what I have accomplished is respected and where that respect could be mutually shown. It shouldn't require me to defend my (too normal) personality or to be judged because of the religious implications of the school I attended.

So, where does my "spiritual journey" go now? I had put off taking the GRE for too long to make the deadlines for other schools last year. Oh well, the GRE is done now. There is next year. As for where I live, I'll do whatever. Tuscon? San Antonio? West Virginia? I'll be good where ever is just around the river bend. I just need to consult with Grandmother Willow and see where my energies are most in sync.

(I'm really not disappointed)

How to Keep Yourself Occupied

Sometime in my Junior year of college, in the midst of midterms and giant papers, I remember dreaming of an entire week with blissfully nothing to do. In fact, there was one Friday night where I felt a sense of overwhelming guilt after I took 10 minutes to sit down and eat a frozen yogurt, because it drew time away from my 25 page paper. Believe me, I know how horribly stressful it can be when there is so much to do, and no time to do it. Poor choices involving cross country skiis and the Oregon coast have led me to the position I am in today. Which is sitting on my couch at home with an icebag under my leg finishing up season 1 of Battlestar Gallactica.

Strangely, having arrived at my earlier imagined nirvana, I am not as happy as I once supposed I would be. In fact, frankly I am bored senseless. The one benefit to the hours spent alone in my house is that I have devised many ways to keep myself entertained (although, believe me I have come close to painting a giant fresco of myself in The Creation of Adam onto my ceiling... if you haven't seen Rocketman and have no idea what I'm talking about, stop reading this right now and go and watch it! I'm serious!). I list them here, in case you ever find yourself in a similar state. If you are currently scoffing, thinking "No way! I am way too busy! I'll never have a free minute again!" realize that was me 1 short year ago. You never know when life is going to make you into a couch potato.

1. Read News Stories

And I mean all of them. Not only do you know what Snooki's pregnancy cravings are, you now have thorough insight into the implications of Keselowski's 232 lap lead at the food city 500, you know all about how Dun and Bradstreet have suspended production in China due to allegations of violations of anti-bribery laws (scandal!), and you are an expert in the 7 ways you are sabotaging your relationships. Congratulations! In any conversation during the following week, you are officially an obnoxious know-it-all.

2. Learn Phrases in Languages You Will Never Use

There is a reason Al Gore invented the internet. Waar is die badkamer? Miluju roztomilé štěňátka. Täname loed seda. Ĉu vi volas esti mia amiko?

3. Watch Battlestar Galactica

You will lose all self respect, but become proficient at locating cylons posing as humans.

4. Scrapbook

There's a reason your Grandma loves it so much.

5. Re-read the Entire Harry Potter Series

I'm assuming you've already read them at least once, because if you haven't, you need to get your hiney over to Amazon right now and buy the ebook. The glorious thing about the Harry Potter books is that you start on the Sorcerer's Stone, and then you emerge 3407 pages later realizing that you haven't slept or bathed in over 96 hours.

Blast From the Past

Friends, and random readers, I find myself once again at home in Sacramento. Sometime in between punch dancing out my boredom in my backyard to "Sexy and I Know it" and having conversations with our cat, Stewie, I have had time to explore the dark dusty back corners of my room. Now, I haven't really lived at home for an extended period of time since the summer of 2007, so I was intrigued to find little gems from my previous life lurking around in here. These are my most interesting finds.

Box full of Goosebumps books

I'm pretty sure that at sometime around age 10 I stole these from my brother's room. He always got the best stuff. Because my parents love him more. As a child, I was very sneaky and industrious though, and at some point I acquired titles such as The Cuckoo Clock of Doom, The Horror at Camp JellyJam, The Blob that ate Everyone, and one of my personal favorites, Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes, which I will have to be sure to take back to Kelsi. I cherished and read these books many times, put them in a box under my bed, and then forgot about them for over a decade.

Marriage Time Capsule

Now, I can't remember if I was supposed to bury this in my backyard to be discovered in 200 years by my descendants, but currently it was in my closet hiding under my statuette of the Virgin Mary I acquired from my very catholic great-grandmother in 1995. The capsule is a round, metal paint tin-like container coated with a layer of dust and a plethora of heart and "just married" stickers. I believe I crafted this beauty of a container sometime around my beehive or early mia maid years. I carefully pried off the lid, accepting that this premature opening of the capsule may very well curse me to a lifetime of spinsterhood... it's a risk I'm willing to take. There are many papers stuffed in here all written in my 13ish year-old handwriting. There's a "future family" paper in which I planned out the number, gender, and names of my future offspring. Next, I found a somewhat sarcastic letter to my future husband in which I inform him how lucky he is and assure that he must be "roguishly handsome and have a cool last name". There's a few other things such as my predicted wedding colors and date (I put 2025) and then a ton of confetti in the shape of hearts and kisses and that spell out phrases like "I love you".

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Costume

This is probably from Halloween when I was 4 years old. Mine was the Raphael costume on the right. Not only did this find confirm that my mom really did love me (and my brother obviously too, he had the matching Michelangelo outfit) but that she has quite the crafting skills. Those sweet turtle shells are homemade. I had a minor obsession with TMNT when I was a youth. Quite probably because my brother loved them first, and everything my brother did, I did. We're talking soccer, baseball (softball for me), water polo, spanish, BYU, and having a bizarre admiration for Bob Graham.

More than anything, the treasures I have unearthed have shown me three main things. First, growing up in the 90's was fantastic. Second, we don't change that much from childhood. And third, that I am really bored.

Everything I Know About Love I Learned From Romantic Movies

There are many valuable lessons to learn from movies about love. This Valentine's Day, I would to share just a few of the tidbits of wisdom I have gleaned over the years.


While You Were Sleeping

True love can be built on a complete lie, as long as you only let the lie continue to the point where you're only about to marry your true love's brother. Also, be careful the way you lean.

Return to Me

It's perfectly acceptable to stalk your husband from beyond the grave. Just be sure you mark "donor" on your license application.

My Best Friend's Wedding

While hilarity will inevitably ensue, maybe going to your ex-boyfriend-who-you're-still-in-love-with's wedding is not the best of ideas.

Pride and Prejudice

If you are truly dedicated enough, your love can survive economic and educational disparity, patronizing, family incompatibility, and flat out rejection and hatred.

Notting Hill

If you are charmingly awkward enough, you can land a hot Hollywood movie star by merely being yourself.

Serendipity

The universe wants you and your beloved to be together. If you are destined to be together, stop even trying to make it happen. It just will. Years later. Plus, it doesn't hurt to go shopping for gloves.

Sleepless in Seattle

Traveling across the country and stalking someone you heard over the radio is a very effective wooing tactic.

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Whatever you do, don't let your love fern die.

Happy Valentine's Day!

..And all that Jazz.

(photo courtesy holly mumford)

This post is dedicated to my good friend Matthew Manwaring, who I have now known for about two years. Recently in his blog, he created an entry where the first half attempted to be in my own words. Believe me, the second half of his post was pretty much the same crazy-talk as the rest of his blog. Maybe my frustration in trying to read what he writes centers on my inability to decipher the "deeper meaning". According to those who know Mr. Manwaring even better than me, there is indeed a way to understand what his supposed gibberish is trying to communicate. So, I invite all those reading to this point, especially those in acquaintance with the man we call pappy, to go ahead and read his blog a little first, then I will try and write a summary of my feelings this week in classic Matt Manwaring style. I can only return the favor, Matthew.

Paradise comes at a price. What one I'm not willing to pay. Is it really a paved parking lot? Let me tell you. All the ferrets are fleeing for golden states. But for something better? Turns out they're outlaws. Lock up your bonnie banks. Bet they didn't see it coming. You better ask Barbara. She may not give you much more than a cup of tea. What about stew and all that jazz. It's all meaty and full of vitamin B12. Until it gets you with its enticing blue hue. For What? Only empty stomachs and disappointment. Its time you try something stronger, soldier. Like porridge.

Remember, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery.

Seven Things the World Doesn't Need

The Requirement for Store Employees to Ask "Do You Need Help With Anything?"

I have been asked this so many times while shopping that my reply is already an automatic "No, thank you, I'm just browsing". Then, to convince them I truly am confident of my answer, I wander away looking intently at a pile of shirts in the distance. I feel I should be free to aimlessly rifle through merchandise in peace, without justification. If I needed help, I'd probably just ask. I know who you are, store employee. You're wearing a name tag, so I'm pretty sure I know who to go to if I need assistance. The fact I'm by myself may mean I actually enjoy or perhaps prefer this solitary browsing experience. I don't need store employee Brittany judging me for my taste in clothes. Now, I used to work for Mervyns, so I know that it isn't Brittany's fault. You're told to ask every customer to haplessly wander into your section if they need help with anything. I just wonder if anyone ever likes it when they do. I'm pretty sure most consumers can figure out where things are based on the big signs or determine what it is they came there to buy. You don't need to tell them.

People Who Get Paid to Install Windshield Wipers


Those who know me may be aware that I am not the most mechanically inclined person in the world. It took me several months to learn how to change a mower blade and I ruptured a ligament repairing a lawn edger once. I can count the number of times on one hand I've looked under the hood of my car, which I have now owned for 7 years. One thing I can do is change a windshield wiper. Seriously, it takes 2 minutes. If I can do it, literally anybody can. When I was in WalMart the other day, I saw a sign advertising to change windshield wiper blades for 7 dollars per blade. That's almost more than it takes to just buy them. Seriously, it's like paying someone to brush your teeth or tie your shoes. Which you could do if you're crazy, a Kardashian, or a 13th century monarch. Just install your own dang wiper blades.

Boggle


I hate this game. Not only does my ability to see and recognize words diminish exponentially with each grain of sand that falls in that little hourglass, but this game just gives me a massive headache. Now, I was not blessed with the world's best spacial skills. In fact, ask me to draw a 3D picture, and you will see exactly what I'm talking about. But I'm really not terrible with words. I'm just saying, I did decently well on the verbal section of the GRE and I won a medal in high school for a vocabulary competition. But, I promise you that in this stupid game, I cannot see more than words like "cow" "book" "man". Obviously this is not because of any shortcoming on my part. The game must be inherently flawed. And thus, evil.

Pickles

They're gross. They just are.

Spiders

Just look at it, those spindly legs and weirdly segmented body just scream diabolicalness. Every single one of those 8 eyes are likely glaring malevolently. It's obvious they're out to get us. Name one thing that lurks as much as they do. Even the boy who stalked me once wasn't this creepy. Especially Daddy Long Legs. They're always sitting there in the corner of the ceiling... waiting... And just when you're beginning to drift into a peaceful sleep, they strike. Is that a hair you just felt brush across your face? No, it's one of the Daddy Long Legs' long legs. Good luck falling back asleep.

Newt Gingrich's Presidential Run

That is all that I will say on the matter

Ambiguous Facebook Relationship Statuses

And I mean this with all love towards anyone who finds their self in this tricky dating situation. It's just that I have never seen an "it's complicated" or "open relationship" turn into something more than "single" after a couple weeks. Can't facebook just do us all a favor and not temptingly put this status as an option? It's like watching Hotel Rwanda. You know what's coming.

When it Rains, it Pours and it isn't gumdrops

Well, I have to admit, this has not been my favorite month ever. Believe me, I haven't been wronged in any way. Except maybe by the state of Nevada. I am personally averse to putting too much of my personal life on the internet for everyone to see. I'm not going to post this link anywhere, so hopefully not too many of you are going to stumble upon it. I'm mostly just writing this for myself.

I'm just going to come right out and say it. Things are tough. I get by though, cause they are never exactly too bad. I'm honestly just a little scared. Again.

I'm scared for my mom, that news this week was very... well, scary. She'll be ok for now, but it is just a reminder of how you should never take the people in your life for granted. She lost her mother at age 55, and it was a cold splash of water to remind me.

It has been tempting to enact my 25 year plan early and just preemptively move into a cabin in the middle of the woods and live in harmony with the local woodland creatures and my 50 cats. For now though, I've just kept my game face on. It takes every fiber of my inner being to not give up, but I'm not, at least yet. I love those around me. I love everyone who has stepped up, mostly unconsciously, at a time when I need them badly. Scrolling back to last year, anyone (even complete strangers, I'm realizing uncomfortably) can know that I've been through some rough times. I sure hope I didn't do anything to bring it on myself.

I know I'm not as cheery as others. I do my best. I don't feel like being fake, so forgive my occasional ambivalence. I know things will become better again. I got over the knowledge I would have a permanent disability, all because of a pallet of sod. I'll get over this too. Even if it takes me beating a bunch of 8 year-olds at laser tag. We'll get there. Pain dulls and I'll have moved on before I knew it. For now, if you happen to read this, and then see me, I really wouldn't mind a hug.

Beating the Winter Blues

Here in Provo, winter is finally upon us. At least for this week. For some, especially those who love all things warm, bright, and sunny, this season is not the happiest. Life's challenges, such as getting a bad haircut, getting a B+ on a test, breaking a hip, having your car break down, getting a cold, being dumped, having your goldfish die, having a roommate suddenly develop an affinity for opera, or burning your toast can seem so much harder when it is cold and/or dreary outside. Never fear! There are ways to feel happy again.

(note: I, myself, never experience negative emotions. I have a super-human ability to stay positive no matter what. I have never personally been sad, I have only heard descriptions of it)

Stare longingly into a picture of Hawaii, or some other tropical paradise. The longer you gaze into the warm and wonderful landscape, the more you'll forget you're actually living in the Rockies (or some other cold, sad place you may currently be). For a full effect, take a hair dryer set on low, and direct it towards your face. Is that a tropical breeze you're feeling?

Bake. I have never seen anyone bake brownies with a frown. If you're only a little sad, bake something little for yourself. If you need to take it up a notch, I recommend baking for other people. Not only do you have the warm fuzzies from knowing you did something to brighten up someone else's day, but you get to go out socializing. Which for most of us, makes up happy. If you're feeling more anti-social or thrill-seeking, try the classic door bell ditch anonymous baked goods drop. Trust me.

Watch this. I dare you to stay sad.




Type "cute animals" into youtube. When you finally come to, several hours and dozens of videos later, you won't even remember why you were distressed in the first place. You will only have images of adorable baby animals swimming around your consciousness for days, not allowing room for anything even slightly depressing. (warning: unless you accidentally stumble upon that awful sarah mclachlan animal abuse commercial. that may bring you right back.)

Watch a few Mormon Messages. Ok, I'm being serious. Even though I assume the majority of my readers are LDS, if you aren't or even if you are not even particularly religious, these amazing videos can have an impact on everyone. They not only reinforce specific, wonderful truths, but they offer very good perspectives. Especially videos like the one featuring Stephanie Nielson (if you haven't seen it, watch it!). No matter if our problems are life-altering or only cause temporary downness, we can always maintain a good attitude. It really is ok to feel occasionally sad, as long as we do not become so absorbed in our own wallowing that we forget those around us. Of course none of us are perfect, but these messages can help give something to strive to be.

5 Reasons to Look Forward to 2012

1. The cinematic masterpiece Thor was left wide open for a sequel. And until that glorious day arrives, we at least have the Avengers coming up this year. If fate really works our way, we'll get 2 more hours of the Green Lantern.

2. The construction project on the 15 will be done!! Meaning we'll be able to drive construction-free for at least 36 hours, until it starts again.

3. Celebrity Wife Swap with Gary Busey premiers this Tuesday, making all of us feel better about our own lives.

4. Someone will be elected president this year. Meaning we won't have to endure a long set of meaningless/hilarious primary debates for at least 3 more years. Plus there's still time for The Donald to jump into the race as an independent. We can only pray.

5. Worst case scenario: the world ends. We can only go up from there!

5 Greatest Christmas Presents

As you likely know, Christmas time is upon us. So, as I've been sitting here at home, I've reflected on what I naturally remember most from various past Christmases- what I've gotten. This is a countdown of the top 5 most amazing Christmas gifts I've ever received.

5. Nerf Gun Crossbow

I don't know if you have ever had the opportunity to hold such a thing of beauty in your hands, but one year I was lucky enough to unwrap the most magnificent Nerf weapon ever created. Perhaps my brother's Nerf blaster with the rotating bullet shooting thing was quicker, but mine was more powerful. One hit from the crossbow, and you had a welt the size of a quarter.



4. American Girl Doll with set

If you were a girl and you were alive in the mid nineties, you know what an american girl doll was. This was back in the day, before the internet, so everything was ordered out of a catalog you received in the mail. These dolls were based on books (or were the books based on the dolls? I have no idea). Each one of the books followed a sort of formula. There was the introductory book, the birthday story, the school story, etc etc. Each girl character was taken out of a specific time in history such as the American Revolution, World War II, etc. One year, I received my coveted doll... the Abby doll. Now, I did already have a Samantha doll. She had brown hair, brown eyes so my parents figured that was the best fit. But for those of you who had read the stories, you know that Samantha was one of the most boring. She was an orphaned girl living with her super rich grandma at the turn of the 20th century. Yawn. Abby, now she was interesting. Her first book is about her escaping from slavery for heaven's sake. Not only did I receive my awesome Abby doll, but I also got the doll bed, the doll quilts, and a doll desk. I'm pretty sure I was the coolest girl in 3rd grade.



3. Mike’s Creepy Crawler Maker

Ok, so maybe this isn't something I personally received, but I definitely got to use it. See, this was back in the day when my brother was nice and shared things. He got this sweet Creepy Crawler bug maker, and I got an EZ bake oven. Now don't get me wrong, the EZ bake was amazing, but it didn't make brightly glowing worms or centipedes. I remember sitting on his bed as he pulled gross looking worm after worm out of that thing. Honestly, there was little more that year I could imagine I could want.



2. Machete/Ax

I didn't receive this gift until well into my teens. You see, every year my uncle send us intentionally bizarre gifts. One year it was the box full of aviator glasses (before they made their comeback) that we could all choose from. Another, it was modeling beeswax. One year though, we hit the gift jackpot. I'm assuming my uncle had been to some sort of outdoors adventure type store because not only did we all get fully functional headlamps, but also machetes and axes. Let me tell you, they've been put to good use.

1. Volunteering Outside for 4 1/2 hours

Ok, now I don't mean to get all cheesy or anything, but this truly is one of the best Christmas gifts I was given. Now, just so you understand, we don't get too sappy in my family. We aren't ones to reenact the nativity or sing carols or anything like that. Every year we watch Ernest Saves Christmas, Muppet Christmas Carol, and Christmas Vacation. I know many of you have deeply meaningful Christmas traditions, and I truly think that is great. It just didn't really work for us.

Now, one Christmas morning when I was younger, we left our warm house to go out and serve warm apple cider to people standing in line for hours for gifts at the local disadvantaged school. Now, I wasn't feeling very charitable at the time, in fact I'm pretty sure I complained bitterly. It may have been a frigid 45 degrees, it was foggy, and I didn't get a chance to play with any of my new things. But it has really stuck with me. The people happily walking out of the school didn't have arms full of amazing gifts. They had things like socks, toothbrushes, sweatpants. Maybe the occasional action figure, and that was it. It was really a smack in the face to my 9 year-old self. I had seriously so many things, and I had been so self-absorbed. My parents explained to me that most of the kids going to school there were homeless. Sometimes their parents were renting out motel rooms, sometimes they were in shelters.

I had done nothing to earn what I had, while kids my same age were given so much less, but were so happy and so grateful for the little they received. It's an important perspective to have. Again, this is maybe the best gift my parents, or anyone, ever gave me.

Anyway, to anyone reading this intentionally or by accident, I love you all! Have a Merry Christmas! (or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or Chrismukkah or Yuletide or whatever)

Life Lessons From the Movie Twister

Friends and random Malaysians/Russians/Saudis, one of the greatest influences of my life has been the movie Twister, released in 1996. This magnificent piece of cinematic art did so much to mold me in my formative years. As I've grown and matured, I have carried these lessons with me. I believe that much of what I am to day is derived directly from this masterpiece.

1. No matter how dysfunctional a relationship is, spend some time in a truck together and everything will work out. This truth is reinforced not only by this movie, but by all sorts of road-trip bonding type movies where the characters start off hating each other, but by the end have grown to love and respect each other through mutually trying experiences/revelations. I dare you to try and brainstorm fewer than 5 movies where this has happened. They even used it on Vampire Diaries for heaven's sake! And a little bit in Twilight. Obviously, this must be a fact of life.

2. The 1996 Dodge Ram is the most amazing truck ever built. Not only can this thing directly withstand being in a tornado (on a bridge no less) for over 40 seconds doing little more than turning in a circle, it also has amazing self-healing abilities. One of our favorite hobbies as a family is to try and count the number of times the windshield gets cracked by flying tricycles or the like, then will magically fix itself in the next shot. The truck bed should have been crushed by the falling utility pole, but survives with merely a dent. This behemoth can drive through houses, corn fields, and exploding tankers. Not to mention giant trees in the road. The one Achilles heel, the thing that can bring down this magnum opus is if you have to drive into the shoulder of the road. In that case, you will get a flat tire.

3. Don't worry about your archenemy. In the end they will get impaled by a giant pole. If you skipped the mid-nineties and have yet to see this movie, don't read that last title. This one has been very useful throughout my life. Karma will get you, backstabbers. If not now, then when you're driving stupidly into an F-5 tornado.

4. Never mess with Mother Nature. You will be hunted down. And it will be by a scary tornado that makes the same noise my tummy does when I haven't eaten breakfast. It doesn't matter if you're watching The Shining at the local drive-in, or making weird giant metal wind chimes.

5. As long as you're with someone as manly as Bill Paxton, you will be capable of defying the basic laws of physics and meteorology. All this man's man needs to do is pick up some dirt and look significantly into the sky, and he automatically knows which way the tornado is headed. Unless, of course it is headed directly towards him, as it does when they're at the drive-in. He can ride in the truck bed amidst heavy debris and hail, stuff that kills lesser men, and survive without a scratch. Not to mention outrunning an F-5 tornado, yes the same one that ultimately shish kabobed his rival and took out The Ram. Later, he was able to strap himself and his lady-friend to a pole, then hold both of them down as the F-5 swirled around them. Now we know that not only are thousands of razor-sharp sensors flying around in there, but also his nemesis, his nemesis' truck, his Dodge Ram, dozens of John Deere tractors, pieces of auntie mae's house, and likely his ex-fiance and some cows. They did walk away a little muddy. I'd like to see Bear Grylls do that.

Seventh Reason the World is Ending: The Arden Traffic Signal

4. The new traffic signal at Arden Way and Mission Ave

If you have been in the Sacramento-Carmichael-Arden-Arcade area in the last 3 weeks, this atrocious installment is impossible to miss. For years, and I mean at least the 24 that my family has lived here, we have blissfully driven on Arden from Fair Oaks through Eastern without being disturbed by much more than the occasionally rabid Bel Air, Whole Foods, or Starbucks patron. Now, this superfluous light manages to throw off not only traffic patterns, but the very fiber of our community.

How could we let our beloved community deteriorate to the point that we're installing otiose and obnoxious traffic lights?

The sordid local legend involves the Gethsemane Lutheran church. Yes, the very same one looming over the now infamous traffic blemish on Arden Way. From the outside it appears to be your typical benign friendly neighborhood church, but from within the idea for this monstrosity was supposedly conceived. Not satiated by the addition of speed bumps on both Mission Ave and Thor Way, they began plotting. I don't know who exactly "they" are, but it is irrelevant, "they" are obviously evil and intent on destroying all happiness. Local residents were then coerced into signing a petition one by one... those who refused were rarely seen again. Soon, construction on Arden began. No one knew exactly what was being constructed on or why a lane was closed each way. There were construction workers, but they all seemed to be standing there, waiting for something. Months later, there was still no answer. At least until one ominous autumn morning when a traffic signal appeared. Turning lanes soon followed, along with a hideous sign for both Arden Way and Mission Ave.

As soon as my mother urgently phoned me with the news, I knew I had to hurry back. I actually arrived in Sacramento a week before thanksgiving, but I was still too late. The very day I drove back this new signal was activated. At an intersection where we have happily blasted by those waiting at a 2-way stop sign for at least a quarter of a century, we now have to stop for northbound and southbound traffic, and 2 left turn lights.This is the image of the old intersection, still preserved under google maps...

Friends, let this be a lesson. Don't let this happen to you or your community. Save yourselves and your towns before it is too late.

(This is part 4 of a multi-part exposé on signs that the world is ending)

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Pros and Cons of being home for Thanksgiving Part 1

I've been travelling back home for Thanksgiving every mid November for several years now. All together over these years, I have amassed over 30 days of quality Thanksgiving holiday time. Without even mentioning the holiday itself, there are both good and bad things to this wonderful season of food, family, and more food.

Pro

Being back at home with family

Con

Looking like a zombie following the horrendously boring 10-13 hour drive to get there

(The amount of time depends on if I'm driving. Because, I guarantee you that if I am, I will get pulled over for going between 2-5 miles over the speed limit)

Case in point: pulling into Sacramento in 2010. Looking good...

2. Pro

There is a high of 68 degrees today at home

Con

When I get back to Provo, it will feel like -68 degrees.

3.Pro

Because my parents have recently purchased an elliptical, I can stay in shape!

Con

Yeah, let's be honest, that's not going to happen.

4.Pro

I have all the free time in the world!

Con

I'm already bored.

5. Pro

There is so much delicious food

Con

There is so much delicious food

6. Pro

Spending time with the people I love

Con

None!